RWBY County
by gamer4
Summary: A series of humorous RWBY oneshots, guided by the soda-addled mind of a gamer with too much time on his hands! Episode 4: In which Weiss is sick, and Yang reads her a story: Once upon a time, before Mistral but after Vacuo...
1. Pilot

Gamer4 in, and once more, I find myself welcoming you to a new fanfiction! Time to pop some poppers and break out some soda- Livewire- the good stuff- because this new fiction is for the series that has become my new all-consuming obsession- RWBY! In truth, the inspiration for this story came from my fellow writers on this site- particularly Raziel12's A Dose of RWBY and Madcinder's RubyRolled!. Both are fantastic stories, well worth a read, particularly if you need a laugh (which, with the direction the show's taking, you probably do,) and inspired me to attempt a one-shot series story of my own! ... That was a bit of a run-on sentence. For the most part, these one-shots should be pretty episodic, each in their own little world, though if a story arc does creep through the woodwork... well, what happens happens. For anyone who follows my stories outside the RWBY fandom, this story should be similar to the Mario Mario series, except without an overarching plotline- for the most part. Think of it as a story made up entirely of random quickies. And, finally, for anyone following my other RWBY story, _The Faunus in the High Castle,_ I _am_ in the process of writing up the next chapter, but I really needed to do something silly today- I won't get into why, but a break from seriousness and a romp through the whackier side of this wonderful series is something that I truly need. Hope you all enjoy! Let's get started!

Disclaimer: As ever, you'll get this once, and only the once- I do _not_ own RWBY- it was created by Monty Oum, rest his soul, and is currently owned by Rooster Teeth- don't know why I specify 'currently,' it's... pretty likely to remain that way well into the foreseeable future. Incidentally, this story's title is a reference to an old comic strip, _Bloom County,_ which I don't own either- but unless an episode or two later on reference said strip in some way, I feel no need to actively disclaim that.

RWBY County

Episode I

Pilot

Blake's head snapped up, her feline ears pricked beneath her bow. "There's something wrong."

Ruby, the only other current occupant of their shared dorm room, glanced over in confusion from the game she was playing on her scroll- which may or may not have involved a square jumping across pits upon pits upon pits upon _pits_ of spiky triangles. "Blake?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

"Do you hear that?" Blake asked, raising a hand for silence.

Ruby's face showed nothing but confusion as she gazed at her faunus friend. "Hear what?"

Blake's eyebrows knitted as she rose from her bed. A moment later, she shook it off. "Nothing, nothing... just... I have to go."

The confusion on Ruby's face grew even more pronounced as Blake leapt to her feet and dashed across the room to the door, hardly even noticing as she barreled Yang out of the way in her haste to enter the hall. Yang's face shifted to mimic Ruby's as she turned to watch her partner tear down the hallway, practically on all fours. "What's gotten into her?"

"No idea," Ruby shrugged. "Everything was fine, then she just jumps up, says she hears something, and tears out."

"Well, if she wants to keep her secret," Yang noted, an eyebrow arched in concern, "that's not really the best way to go about it."

Ruby bit her lip slightly before changing the subject. "So... you seen Weiss today, sis?"

The concern on Yang's face instantly gave way to a smirk. "Oh, yeah, she's in the library- playing that game I lent her the other day."

"You got Weiss to play a video game?" Ruby asked, eyes alight with amazement- after all the heiresses tirades about the 'brain-rotting time waster,' the idea of her sitting down to play one was rather unusual.

"A puzzle game," Yang explained. "I guess there's no harm in bringing it up in conversation with her and subtly implying she might not be smart enough to handle it..."

XXXX

Weiss's teeth were grinding together fiercely enough that the subconscious part of her brain began to worry that she would get kicked out of the library, where she was currently sitting with a handheld game system in her hands, a pair of headphones over her ears, and glaring daggers at what was portrayed on screen. "Professor Layton, you'd _better_ smile this time," she snarled under her breath as she input what _had_ to be the right answer- if not that, what else?

A moment passed, and the failure sound effect played in her ears- mocking her. "Frankly, I'm... ashamed," came the voice of the game's protagonist, just rubbing the failure in further.

For a moment, Weiss wondered if she was going to pop a blood vessel out of pure, unadulterated fury.

XXXX

Ruby let out a low whistle. "Threw down the gauntlet, huh, sis?"

"It worked, didn't it?" Yang pointed out, finally shedding her smirk as she turned around. "Well, I think I should go see what's up with Blake."

"Have fun," Ruby shrugged as her sister ducked out the door, before turning back to her scroll, switching over to a high-tech game of Scrabble. Smiling at her letters, she put them in. "I...G...L...O...O..." She chuckled. "That's a fun word. Igloo." Glancing around, a smile began to take over her face as an idea occurred to her. "I wonder..."

XXXX

This game was going to be the death of her, Weiss decided as she picked up yet another puzzle to embarrass herself over- presented with a chessboard and eight queens, place them upon the board in such a way that none obstructed the movement of the others. It seemed that no matter how far out of her way she went to fulfill those conditions, there were always two queens that _insisted_ on getting in each other's way.

She looked up, distracted, when a certain black-themed faunus made her way into the library, acting very unusual- her eyes were slits, her bow was twitching freely with little regard to the secret it concealed, and her nostrils were dilated in a way that indicated she was very keen on a certain smell. Removing her headphones, Weiss spoke up. "Is something wrong, Blake?"

Blake thrust out a finger over Weiss's lips, glancing around suspiciously. "The walls have ears," was all she had to say before she turned and belted back out of the library.

"Something up with Blake?" came another voice from behind the heiress- she turned to see Jaune approaching.

"Who knows," Weiss shook her head. "I thought she'd be the sanest member of our group, but I'm starting to realize I'm the only member of RWBY with a good head on her sho- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

For her latest attempt to position the queens had revealed that each and every one of them had their paths obstructed.

"Having trouble there, Snow Angel?" Jaune asked, smiling and turning on the charm- such as it was.

Weiss sighed. "This game Yang made me play... I swear these puzzles are impossible."

"Impossible?" Jaune asked. "Mind if I take a look?"

"Be my guest," Weiss grumbled, tossing the handheld over to him. He gave a smile and a quick nod before gazing down at the screen.

"Chess, huh?" he muttered under his breath before beginning to slide a finger around the screen. Weiss scoffed internally- if she could go for ten minutes without ever getting near a solution, then Jaune stood no-

*Chime!*

"Critical thinking is the key to success!"

"There you go, Snow Angel- not too difficult."

Weiss took the handheld back in disbelief- and yet, there was Professor Layton himself, pointing and smiling at the solution. "How..."

"Seven sisters," Jaune shrugged off. "We settled everything through games- Chess most of all."

Weiss opened and closed her mouth for a moment, until Yang appeared behind her. "Hey, Ice Queen, Blake pass through here recently?"

"Yeah, she went that way," Weiss grumbled dismissively. Yang uttered a quick thanks and was on the point of heading out again before Weiss reached out and grabbed her shoulder. "Take this... this _thing_ with you," she growled, shoving the handheld at her.

Yang accepted it with a smirk. "Professor Layton a little hot for you to handle?"

"That game is _dehumanizing!_ " Weiss snarled. "I don't know _why_ I let you trick me into playing it- if I have to go through one more sliding block puzzle..."

"Hey, no biggy," Yang shrugged, eyes alight with mischief. "You can't handle what you can't handle, no shame in giving up on a puzzle game designed for children."

Weiss glared coldly at her for a moment before reaching out her hand. "Give it back."

"Somehow, I knew you'd say that," Yang smirked, handing the handheld back over. "Gotta go!"

As Yang dashed out, Weiss turned on Jaune, fighting to keep his face as neutral as possible. She directed her ice-cold glare towards him, and pointed up at him with a single furious finger. "Don't tell _anybody_ about this, got it?"

"Got it," Jaune nodded. "What happens in the library, stays in the library."

"Good. Because if not, I might just have to tell Pyrrha-"

"No need to threaten me, I said I wouldn't tell anybody!"

"Good," Weiss nodded again. "Just making certain."

XXXX

Weiss was on the point of cursing as she stomped through the halls of Beacon back to the dorm she shared with Ruby, Yang and Blake. The accursed blond brawler always knew exactly which buttons to push- despite her insistence on shelving this game and doing something _useful_ , here she was, heading back to her dorm to slide blocks around, place more chess pieces, try to put together increasingly rambling word puzzles...

"Oh! Heh, heh... Hey, Weiss!"

... And then there was her partner, perhaps the biggest puzzle of all.

Weiss closed her eyes, slowly backing out of the room and shutting the door. One... two... three... four... five... she struggled to keep her cool as she opened the door once again.

Sure enough, she hadn't been imagining things- Ruby was currently standing in the middle of the dorm room- surrounded by chunks and chunks of broken-up ice. Between this and her previous frustrations, it was taking everything she had not to explode. Struggling to keep it in, she crossed her arms and began tapping her shoulder. Not trusting herself to speak too much, she settled for a one-word question. "Why?"

Ruby's nerves showed on her face as she kept her eyes fixed on Weiss's shoes, tapping her index fingers together. "Well, I wanted to build an igloo, so..."

Weiss closed her eyes, struggling to steady her breathing. "Why?"

"Well, I was playing Scrabble earlier, and that word came up, and I was thinking about what a cool word it is, and then I started thinking that igloos are pretty cool, too... I mean, you build something out of _ice_ to keep yourself _warm..._. It's completely counter-intuitive, but it works! So I thought I'd try it out for myself..."

Weiss was fairly certain she could feel foam forming in her mouth at this point. "And the ice comes from...?"

"I... I may have borrowed some of your Dust..."

Some of the aforementioned foam began descending down Weiss's chin. Her eyes flicked from Ruby to the game Yang had forced on her, to the ice dotted around the room in no detectable pattern... and she sighed. The best she could figure, this day had made her so blindingly furious that she'd come full circle and was calm again. "You know, Ruby... you know..."

"I know...?" Ruby flinched.

Weiss sighed. "Nothing. Just... just clean this up, okay?"

She was on the point of climbing into her bed and seeing what new torments this horrendous game held in store for her when she heard a soft sound, not unlike the coo of a dove. Recognizing it, she turned back towards her partner. "Weiss, do you think... do you think you could help me build an igloo?"

Weiss's eye twitched. "And what makes you think that I'd agree to that?"

"Well, it's just that you can form ice with Myrtenaster, right? I thought, even if you can't make an igloo directly, it could make things easier..."

Weiss wished she could honestly say she'd learned to turn her back on Ruby when she put on those puppy-dog eyes of hers- the eyes that turned all others into putty in the young girl's hands. But... she couldn't. Looking from her bed to her partner, she bit her lip, and finally sighed. "Ruby... are you any good at puzzles?"

"Puzzles? Well, I'm a big fan of the Professor Layton series- none of those puzzles are any match for me!" A note of pride entered the hood-wearer's voice towards that sentence's end.

If Weiss listened closely, she could swear she heard the sound of her temple throbbing. "Fine... look... I need help with a few of that game's... _puzzles..._ so if I help you build this igloo, can you lend me a hand? And not tell Yang?"

"What happens in the igloo stays in the igloo!" Ruby yipped, leaping to her feet, reminding Weiss more of an overexcited pooch all the time.

XXXX

Blake continued to stalk down the corridors, her nostrils as wide open as possible, ears at the ready, eyes more feral than they'd been in years- which made it all the more confusing for her when she still failed to notice Yang approaching her from behind. "Hey, Blakey, whatcha doin'?"

"Yang!" Blake spun around, before tackling her and dragging her behind the nearest wall. "Quiet!"

"Hey, easy there, Blakey!" Yang smirked. "I never thought you'd be the one to-"

"No jokes- not now!" Blake hissed.

Yang shook her head, bringing on a more serious expression. "Okay, Blake, what's going on? You dash out of the room, nearly knock me over, run to the library, and, according to Weiss, run right back out again. Is something wrong?" A thought occurring to her, she lowered her voice even more. "Is... is it the White Fang again?"

"No, something bigger- much, much bigger," Blake whispered- Yang had to strain her ears to hear. "Yang... I'm looking for the fourth wall."

A dead silence descended on the hallway. Yang blinked. "The... fourth wall? There are plenty of walls around here- take your pick."

"No, not that fourth wall," Blake shook her head in agitation. "Look, you already know about how our life is a story, right?"

"...I do?" Yang asked, a single eyebrow going up towards her hair.

"Haven't I told you about this before?" Blake sighed in exasperation.

"Well, I think you've said something like that before." Yang stroked her chin, thinking back as far as she could. "Something like 'A story is just something important in the lives of its characters'?"

"No, too metaphorical," Blake shook her head fervently. "When I say our lives are stories, I'm being literal- as in, it's a show that people can watch."

"Like Vale's Funniest Home Videos?" Yang asked.

"No, not like Vale's Funniest Home Videos," Blake shook her head. "We're living in a TV show!"

"So... like that one Tim Jerry movie? The Cluman Show?" Honestly, Blake had left Yang behind a while back- her other eyebrow was joining its fellow up in her bangs.

Blake sighed. "Close enough. But just now, I sensed something- a disturbance, as though our story changed hands- something's knocked everything off the rails."

"I don't follow," Yang admitted- Blake had left her in the dust.

Blake sighed. "Before, we had a script- a clear direction that we were following, but now... now everything's been thrown off, anything can happen from here on out!"

Yang blinked- she still had no idea what Blake was talking about, but she seemed upset, and that was something she certainly didn't want. "Well... is that necessarily a bad thing?"

"What?" Blake asked, focusing on her once more.

"You say the story's been thrown off the rails- but what if the original story sucked? Or was something we didn't really _want_ to live? Maybe the new story will work out better for us?"

Blake's eyes narrowed. "You still have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Not a clue," Yang confirmed. "But either way, maybe for now, the best course of action would be to just go back to the dorm and rest, what do you say?"

Blake's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You think I'm crazy and might be able to sleep it off."

"What? No, of course not!" Yang shook her head quickly, summoning an innocence halo above her head. Quailing under Blake's subsequent glare, she retracted her statement. "Okay, maybe a little. But still- some R&R is hardly going to _hurt_ you. Tell you what- you relax a bit, and if you still want to go after that fourth wall later after you've thought things over, I'll help you then. Okay?"

Blake sighed, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. Now that she thought about it, her sleeping patterns _had_ been somewhat out of whack lately. "Alright. Honestly, some rest sounds good."

"Good," Yang smiled, glad that this conversation had gone over better than their last about Blake resting. "Alright, let's... get... back... to... our... dorm..."

Her voice trailed off- she'd just opened the door to the dorm to reveal a dome of ice with a small tunnel leading in, sitting there in the middle their chamber. From the inside came a pair of voices that sounded much like Ruby and Weiss.

"No, it's not going in there, no matter how hard you try."

"Are you sure, Weiss? Wiggle it around a little, it should be fitting by now."

"I'm telling you, it's not going to fit!" *Sigh.* "I always _did_ have you pegged as the kind of kid who kept trying to shove the square into the circle hole."

"I'm telling you, it'll fit!"

Blake blinked as Yang shut the door, a tint of red in her eyes as she turned towards the faunus, grabbing her hand and leading her away. "Yang?"

"Come on, Blake," Yang growled. "We're going to find the fourth wall."

XXXX

Meanwhile, back in the igloo, Weiss was struggling to force the last block into place.

"It should be fitting by now!" Ruby insisted. "Let me have a look!" A moment later, she grinned. "Aha! This block didn't get moved _quite_ enough! Watch!" She touched the screen, sliding the offending block just a millimeter further to the left, before sliding the puzzle's central block to fill the newly vacated spot.

"Every puzzle has an answer!" the game chimed.

Weiss sighed. "Ruby?"

"Yes, Weiss?"

"I hate you."

"No, you don't!~"

 _XXXX_

And thus concludes the pilot episode of... RWBY County! Hope you enjoyed, just gonna put a last couple notes down here before signing off- to begin with, chronology. While this is obviously supposed to be mainly humor, if one wanted to place it into the timeline, imagine it as a series of events that somehow all manage to take place after Volume 2 but before the start of volume 3- though it's fairly likely volume 3 will never come up in this story.

Honestly, that's all I have left to say- again, hope you all enjoyed! If you did, or even if you didn't, or if you have an idea you'd like to share (I have my own, but always glad to hear what you guys think!), then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	2. Last Action Faunus

Gamer4 in. Well, that was a pretty good reaction for a first chapter- thank you all so much, those who are already favoriting and following this story! In the face of such a response, I thought it was only right that I get to work on the next chapter right away- here today, we have a parody of Die Hard, one of my favorite movies, for all its flaws- but then again, I think it's well-established that some flaws just make movies more endearing. I'm wondering if I should start including a quick summary of each chapter at the beginning- given that these are all one-shots, and all. Ah, well, diving right in.

Disclaimer: *Sigh.* No, I don't own Die Hard, or Nothing Lasts Forever, the book said film is based on. Guess I had to do another legitimate disclaimer after all. *Sigh.*

Episode II

Last Action Faunus

Torchwick looked up as the door to his cell opened, a beam of light pouring over him. He maintained that smirk of his even as he gazed into the face of a furious-looking James Ironwood. "It's time to go, Torchwick," the muscled man growled.

"Time for my interrogation already?" Torchwick needled. "A little early, isn't-"

His voice trailed off as he reached out, only for the very air surrounding the general to crack like a mirror, shattering into pieces and falling away, leaving behind only a short young woman with multicolored hair- and eyes, grinning up at him impishly. "Ah- you're late," he smirked right back.

Her eyes twinkled. Her arms reached out, offering him his treasured bowler hat.

"Alright, let's get going," Torchwick nodded, accepting the headgear as he led them towards the exit. "We're heading to Beacon." In response to the questioning look his follower shot him, he grinned. "Time to prove once and for all who the real King of Thieves in Remnant is."

XXXX

Blake knew it was going to be a bad day when she woke up to the sound of Ruby watching early morning cartoons on her scroll- specifically, reruns of _Courage the Cowardly Dog._ Loathe as she was to admit it, the supernatural terrified the faunus- not something she'd ever let slip, even to her closest friends- the thought of Yang's reaction alone was more nightmarish than the show Ruby currently had her eyes glued to. Even aside from that... dogs.

Being that it was Saturday, they had no classes to attend, so Blake elected to do what she could to ignore the noise coming from Ruby's side of the room, turning over and opening up a book.

For a moment, she was frozen in horror- where the text on the page should have been, there was instead the image of an eye in the center of a large triangle. The moment her eyes fell on it, creepy, mysterious music began playing behind her. Quickly, she snapped the book shut and spun around- only to see Weiss up on her feet and berating Ruby. " _What_ are you _doing,_ you dolt?!"

"Sorry, Weiss," Ruby shrunk away. "I was watching one of my shows, and an advertisement came up for that reboot of _The X-Files..._ "

Blake shook her head feverishly. Ever since she'd detected a shift in the fourth wall the other day, she'd been getting more and more paranoid. "Is Yang up yet?" she asked of her teammates.

"Nah, I give it another couple hours before she drags herself out of bed," Ruby smiled over at her sister, currently hanging half off of her bunk.

"Well, when she gets up, feel free to go on without me- I have some things to take care of... in the library."

"Okaaay..." Ruby and Weiss threw her odd looks as she slunk out of her room, taking her book with her. "What got into her?"

XXXX

On the other side of the door, Blake tentatively opened up her book to the same page as before- the eye was gone, as was the triangle in which it had resided- leaving only the book's normal text behind. She breathed heavily. Maybe she was just going insane.

...Is what she thought until she read the text, which contained the same phrase repeated over and over again.

 _Stop looking for the fourth wall stop looking for the fourth wall stop looking for the fourth wall stop looking for the fourth wall..._

Once again, that creepy, ominous music started up, only to cease as she closed her book. Slowly, reluctantly, she opened it again. The music was back, as was the eye in the triangle.

*SNAP!* The book closed, the music ceased. As gently as she could, Blake opened the tome as narrowly as possible. Immediately, the music was back, and the text had shifted to a single two words spread across the page-

SURRENDER BELLADONNA.

She couldn't help the scream as she tossed the book in the air, leaving it shut on the floor as she tore off through the hallways.

A moment later, Sun Wukong and Neptune Vasilias appeared from around the corner, the latter smacking his scroll in agitation. "Did you hear something?" Sun asked, eyes roaming around the hall.

"You mean, _aside_ from my scroll getting stuck on the opening of _The X-Files_?" Neptune muttered, whacking the scroll against his other hand a couple more times, prompting it to flicker said music on and off a couple more times.

"No, more like a scream," Sun waved him off, before noticing the book on the floor. "Hey, isn't this Blake's?"

"Looks like it," Neptune nodded. "Wonder what happened- she's not usually one to leave books behind."

"Maybe her team knows?" Sun suggested, turning towards Team RWBY's room.

XXXX

As it turned out, whatever was affecting Blake, it must have been pretty stressful- the girl in black didn't reappear throughout the morning, leaving Yang in particular looking nervous as they headed towards lunch.

"I'm sure she's fine," Weiss tried to reassure her. "She's a big girl- she can take care of herself."

"I don't know- she's just been... strange lately," Yang shook her head. "Did you hear what she was telling me the other day? Something about us being stars of a TV show or something?"

"Sounds pretty crazy," Weiss agreed, "but I'm sure she just needs some rest. You remember before the dance, right?"

"Vividly," Yang nodded- it wasn't her favorite memory.

"I'm with Weiss on this one," Ruby nodded. "Everything's gonna be just fi-"

"Everybody on the ground! Everybody on the ground, now!"

Needless to say, that was when all hell broke loose.

XXXX

"Where did all these guys _come_ from?!" Weiss panicked, reaching by instinct for Myrtenaster as the doors to the dining hall opened and ushered in a flood of White Fang members. "How did they get through security?!"

"Fight now, think later!" Yang shouted back, preparing to follow her own advice- until she noticed that she, like Weiss and Ruby, had left her weapons back in the dorm. "Well, this is just fan-freaking-tastic."

"Don't worry, Yang- I'm sure the professors can handle it!" Ruby spoke confidently.

Slowly, all three of them turned to look up at the staff table, where the teachers were continuing to eat without a care in the world. "What is _wrong_ with them?!" Weiss shrieked.

XXXX

"Do you get the feeling that something is wrong?" Goodwitch looked up from her customary afternoon tea over the dining hall.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Ozpin shook his head slightly as he took in the heavenly aroma of his sixteenth cup of coffee. "If anything, the students seem to be getting along better than ever." As he gazed out over the hall, he smiled as he took in the sight of Cardin Winchester playing a round of hopscotch with Velvet Scarlatina.

"Wasn't Team CFVY away on a mission today?" Goodwitch asked, following his line of sight and knitting her eyebrows skeptically.

"I suppose they've returned early," Ozpin shrugged dismissively.

"And in what world would we consider Team RWBY gathering together to do the hokey-pokey normal?" Goodwitch persisted, eyes taking in that exact sight. Funny, she hadn't seen Ms. Belladonna enter the hall...

"You worry too much, Glynda," Professor Port piped up. "It does my heart good to see our student body getting along so well- it reminds me of the old days, back when I blah blah yahda yah, blah blah blah blah, yada yada yah..."

Ozpin sighed. "You _had_ to get him started, didn't you Glynda?"

XXXX

Blake was curled up in her favorite hiding spot- a secret cubby-hole of sorts tucked away in the ceiling in one of the dorm hall's closets. She was currently in the fetal position, chanting to herself, "Can't sleep, Fourth Wall'll get me... Can't sleep, Fourth Wall'll get me..."

Her attention was, at last, diverted as she heard the distant sound of gunshots. Slowly, she reached for Gambol Shroud, making sure it was with her before finally leaping down from her perch and heading out into the halls to investigate.

XXXX

"Okay, so maybe we can't rely on the professors," Ruby shrugged. "I'm sure Team CFVY could handle it- remember the Breach?"

"They're out on a mission today!" Weiss panicked, wringing her hands.

"Oh... well, I'm sure Nora could-"

"Out sick," Yang interrupted. "Team JNPR took her up to the infirmary. Somebody slipped her coffee this morning."

A collective shudder went through the three at the idea of the hell that must have been unleashed.

XXXX

"Nora, stay with us!"

Jaune was busy pacing restlessly around the infirmary, closely watched by Pyrrha with her hands over her mouth and a look of panic in her eyes, as Ren knelt over Nora's bedside, looking more panicked even than the champion as his oldest friend lay trembling on the hospital bunk.

"The egg people are coming for our pancakes, Ren!" Nora yelped as she continued to vibrate on her bed. "We can't let them- *GASP!*"

With that, she simply passed out, prompting Ren to panic even further. "Nora! Can you hear me? Nora? NORAAAAAAAA!"

XXXX

"And what about Blake?" Ruby asked, throwing out the next name she thought of. "Wait- speaking of, where _is_ Blake?"

"Now that I think of it, I haven't seen her since this morning," Yang recalled.

Ruby bit her lip. "You don't think she's in trouble, do-"

"Ladies and gentlemen! _Ladies and gentlemen!_ " came a call above the sound of the White Fang members and the panicking student body- eventually, all eyes were drawn up to the head of the hall, where Torchwick was currently pacing, Neo at his side, gazing out over the congregation with an amused glint in her eye. Once assured he had everyone's attention, Torchwick smirked and continued. "Relax, we're just here on business- give us what we want, and no one has to get hurt. Cooperate with us, and this will all be over by the end of your lunch hour.

"To begin with, I have only one question- _Where is Weiss Schnee?_ "

A wave of cold passed over Team RWY, the former and latter turning to gaze, wide-eyed, at the middle member. Ruby immediately moved in front of her protectively, Yang taking her back.

Torchwick smirked as he stepped down and began to walk among them. "Weiss Schnee, heiress to the Schnee Dust Company? One of the largest producers of energy propellant in Remnant?"

Eventually, his eyes fell on Ruby and Yang- and Weiss, because honestly, they weren't doing that great a job of hiding her.

"Ready to come with me, Ms. Schnee?" he asked, smirking down at her as he approached.

"Stay away from her!" Ruby growled, stretching her arms out.

"You're adorable, Red, but somehow, I don't think you're so mighty without that overgrown gardening tool at your side," Torchwick mocked, aiming his gun-cane at her. "So, heiress, you coming quietly, or is your friend going to reap the consequences?"

Weiss shook her head, stepping out from behind her friends. "Just take me." She sounded defiant nonetheless.

"Weiss..." Yang uttered warningly.

"I know what I'm doing, Yang," Weiss lied- she had no idea what she was going to do, but she didn't plan on letting Ruby get hurt- not when she could stop it.

"You've got a smart friend, Red," Torchwick threw over his shoulder at Ruby as he took the lead out of the hall. "Come along, heiress... we have a lot to talk about..."

XXXX

Blake snuck down the stairs, heavily suspecting that something was up. Her suspicions were proven correct when she spied Roman Torchwick, one of the top enemies of Team RWBY, leading Weiss down the hall, Neo bringing up the rear and ensuring the heiress didn't attempt an escape. Sticking to the shadows, Blake followed close behind as Torchwick led the procession to an unused classroom, shutting the door behind them and leaving Blake to watch through the window.

XXXX

"Alright, Torchwick, what's this about?" Weiss asked, taking the seat offered her- may as well play the thief's game for now.

"Straight down to business, I see," Torchwick smiled. "I like that. Well, the thing is, Ice Queen-"

"Hey!"

"-I find myself in an interesting predicament. As you know, I've been in the market for dust lately- _lots_ of dust. And it just so happens that you are the heiress to one of the largest producers of dust in the world. You connect the dots."

Torchwick produced his scroll and slid it across the table to her. "Right here, you'll find the codes allowing access to the computers controlling all that dust your father currently possesses- you're going to grant us access so that we can reroute it to a place of our choosing. Sound good?"

Weiss scoffed. "Sound good? Why does this plan remind me of that one Spruce Willis movie?" A thought occurred to her. "You- you didn't come up with this by watching that movie, did you?"

Torchwick's smile slid off his face. "I will neither confirm nor deny that accusation," he spoke hastily. Behind him, Neo's smile had disappeared, her eyes had closed halfway, and she gave a deadpan nod for Weiss's benefit.

Torchwick shook it off. "That's not the point! The point is, either you put in the passwords, or... you figure out the rest." As he spoke, he produced his cane again, the target popping up and making very clear the outcome of refusing to cooperate. "What will it be?"

Weiss shook her head. "You act like I even have all the passwords- you really think my father is that trusting? Only he knows all the access codes- you won't get far on my password alone."

"All the more reason to give it to us," Torchwick countered. "It won't help us anyway, after all."

Weiss blanched under the smug looks on the two thieves' faces. "No," she shook her head fervently. "I won't give you anything- I refuse."

Torchwick sighed. "And here I was hoping we could do this the easy way." Without another word, he pulled the trigger.

XXXX

Blake, watching the whole exchange, reeled back in horror as the bang sounded off and the window she'd been observing through was splattered with a thick red substance. _No- NO!_

Without another word, she turned and sprinted off, fighting back tears. _Can't be- can't be- can't be!_

XXXX

As it turned out, it couldn't be- Weiss was still sitting upright, albeit with a pretty miffed expression on her face as she ran a finger along her cheek- and the thick red substance that decorated it. "Is this... strawberry jello?"

Torchwick and Neo seemed just as surprised as she did- but they quickly fought to return their expressions to those of people who actually knew what was going on. "Yes, that is strawberry jello," Torchwick nodded.

Weiss shook her head. "And you shot me in the face with strawberry jello because...?"

Torchwick was really struggling to keep his cool. "All part of the plan, Ice Queen, all part of the plan. Back to the dining hall- Perry here will escort you."

Neo opened the door, revealing a large faunus dragging a chainsaw on the other side. Looking somewhat nervous again, she stood and followed him out, leaving Neo to close the door again behind her, whereupon she quickly turned to Torchwick, question marks in both their eyes.

Torchwick finally voiced the query on both their minds- " _Why_ did we spray her with strawberry jello?"

XXXX

 _Two months earlier..._

"I don't know, Emerald," Mercury shook his head, fingering the pellets filled with strawberry jello in his pockets. "Is this really the best idea?"

"It'll be worth it just to see the look on his face," the green-haired woman smirked as she continued loading said pellets into Torchwick's beloved gun.

"And if he gets into a tight situation and only has strawberry jello to protect himself?" Mercury pointed out.

Emerald responded simply with a sideways smirk, which Mercury eventually returned. "Hand over the cane," he chortled, proceeding to load in more pellets.

XXXX

 _Present Day_

"We'll reload later," Torchwick decided. "First, to address those kids..."

XXXX

Blake made sure to hide herself in a closet before screaming. "This can't be happening!" Sure, she'd always had a rivalry with Weiss, their backgrounds being what they were, but not even in her darkest dreams had she wished _death_ upon the heiress! And now Torchwick was in the school, along with that psychopathic sidekick of his and, based on what she could hear, an entire army from the White Fang! She had to come up with a plan... yes, a plan... right now, she was the only one she knew for certain wasn't being watched... there had to be _something_ she could do...

XXXX

"Weiss!" Ruby perked up when the dining hall door opened up and Weiss appeared, heading right towards them. "What happened?"

"He's after my family's dust," Weiss explained. "Isn't he special?"

"And he covered you in jello?" Yang asked, raising an eyebrow.

" _Strawberry_ jello," Weiss corrected half-heartedly. "Still no sign of Blake, though- Ruby, what are you doing?"

A redundant question- it was kind of obvious that the younger girl had clambered over to Weiss and was proceeding to lick at her face. "Mmm... strawberry..." she smiled, her eyes rolling back in bliss.

"Ruby, this is _not_ the time!" Weiss blurted, panicked as she saw Yang's eyes beginning to redden out of the corner of her own.

"But strawberry jello, Weiss!" Ruby objected, silver eyes looking up pleadingly at her partner.

The heiress was spared struggling to find an answer to this when the doors opened again and Torchwick entered, taking the head of the hall once more. "Very well- it seems that your Ms. Schnee didn't _want_ to cooperate, so now we will be utilizing more- yes, what is it?"

For, across the hall, another student had risen and was approaching him with death in her eyes. "Isn't that the exchange student from Haven?" Ruby wondered out loud.

Sure enough, it was- Cinder Fall, totally normal student extraordinaire, definitely visiting from Haven, with her definitely _not-_ henchpeople, Mercury Black and Emerald Sustrai in tow.

"Dang, that girl's got guts," Yang smirked. "I like her."

Torchwick, however, seemed to feel differently- a scowl made its way onto his face as she approached. "Why not take _me_ with you next?" Cinder asked.

Torchwick closed his eyes as thought considering the offer. "Alright, I'll hear what you have to say," he finally decided. "As for the rest of you- remember who's in charge- don't step out of line, there's no need for you to get hurt. Do, and... well... you'll see, I suppose."

And back out of the hall he went, an escort of White Fang members keeping the three normal students from Haven- and nowhere else- in line as they headed back to the unused classroom.

XXXX

" _What... are... you... DOING?!_ " Cinder asked furiously as soon as the door closed. "This is _not_ part of the scenario!"

"Maybe I stopped caring about the scenario a while back, ever think of that?" Torchwick countered. "It sure stopped caring about me, leaving me to rot in that dustforsaken cell for over a month! Don't think I don't see right through you- as soon as you've got what you want, you won't need me anymore, and then I either end up in a cell or in a gutter. I told you before, I'm only in this to survive, and if that means going against your scenario, then so be it!"

As Cinder angrily retorted, she failed to notice a lithe humanoid shape with a prominent bow climbing up the side of the windows. " _We_ will be in control of this world soon enough- you're just a common thief, never forget that!"

Torchwick slammed his hands down on the table in front of her, a sudden look of such fury in his eyes that even Cinder flinched back a bit. "I am an _exceptional_ thief, Ms. Fall, and since I'm moving up to _kidnapping,_ you should be a _little_ more polite!"

"Kidnapping?" Emerald raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't that from that one Spruce Willis movie...?" Mercury recalled.

"I'm pretty sure it is," Emerald nodded.

"And don't think I'm not on to you two, either," Torchwick growled. "Thought it'd be funny to fill my cane with jello, did you? Well- what's so funny?"

He had, of course, known that they'd find their little prank funny, but the laughter currently being thrown at him seemed a little extreme for that. Looking up, he saw Neo with her hand over her mouth, a look of shock in her eyes. "What, is something wrong?" Neo silently reached up and patted the top of her head. Taking her cue, Torchwick reached up and touched his hair- no hat, just hair.

Spinning around, he saw a window open, and his faint reflection in another- sans his beloved bowler hat.

For a long moment, the other people in the room swore they could hear a furious whistle rising from the orange-haired man before he finally burst. "SON OF A MOTHER-F&%(*^$ING $&%%*##_%-S$%* #$*^ WITH A #%*# $*# -"

XXXX

Blake heard the outburst from one floor up, clutching the hat in her hand. From the sounds of it, he was just about as enthralled to be relieved of this as she'd be to be relieved of her bow. Perhaps she could use this as a bargaining chip- to get her closer to this antagonist, if nothing else. After what he'd done to Weiss, she didn't plan on letting him leave the school. Now, how to communicate with him...?

XXXX

"- AND THEN I'LL $#&% (* %ING WITH A #$%%&^$^& UNTIL YOU # %$^$^#%&*&*%$#%^&%# A F# %#$ _TIRE IRON!_ " Torchwick finally concluded his rant, heaving like a winded buffalo.

"So..." Emerald smirked. "I'm guessing you're not too fond of losing your hat?"

Torchwick spun around, struggling to look threatening, but Emerald only laughed harder. Sighing, struggling to regain his control, Torchwick muttered, "Go. Just... go."

Still looking nervous, Neo opened the door for them, allowing the White Fang grunts to step in and brandish their guns. Reluctantly, Cinder, Mercury, and Emerald rose and followed them back towards the dining hall, the latter two still shaking with repressed mirth, leaving Torchwick behind to gouge foot-long marks into the desks in his fury.

XXXX

"He doesn't look happy," Ruby commented as Torchwick reappeared, furiously kicking over tables and chairs as he headed up the hall to where the professors were still trapped in their illusion.

"Looks like someone took his hat," Yang sniggered. "I guess he isn't happy about that."

"It would be like someone taking Bumblebee," Ruby chortled.

"Hey- don't even... joke like that, Rubes," Yang summoned an objection that lost its conviction when spoken between guffaws.

"It must be Blake," Weiss mused to herself.

"Huh?" Yang asked, turning to the girl in white.

"Everyone else is either out or busy- and she _is_ kind of like a ninja," Weiss pointed out. "She must be planning something with that hat of his- she never was one to sit around."

Ruby and Yang grinned at each other, the latter mumbling something that sounded very much like "That's my girl." But a few tables away, another pair of ears seemed to hear what they had said- belonging to a certain racist redhead...

Finally, Torchwick prepared to speak again. "As I was saying," he growled, in much lesser spirits than before as he turned to address the students, "Due to Ms. Schnee's decision to not cooperate-"

"Hey, Ginge!" Cardin called out, standing and heading up to the front of the hall.

"Oh, for the love of- _what now?!_ " Torchwick growled, turning on him- miraculously, Cardin was mostly unfazed.

"You're not happy about losing that hat of yours, amiright?" Cardin smirked. "I think I might be able to help you with that."

Torchwick stared at him for a long, long while. Quickly, he glanced up at Neo, who simply shrugged. "...Fine," he muttered. "Once again, I take my leave. Remember, though- one toe out of line..."

The threat was losing its impact as it was delivered for the third time in less than an hour. Nevertheless, nobody stirred as Torchwick, Neo, and a pair of White Fang members led Cardin out into the halls.

"Is he doing what I think he is?" Ruby wondered out loud.

"He better not be," Yang growled, her eyes flashing. "If he's really planning on selling her out..."

"We'll break his legs," came another voice, sending the Rose-Xiao Long sisters spinning around, looking for Nora, only for their jaws to drop when they realized it had been Weiss. "What?" the heiress shrugged under their bemused gazes. "I'm not allowed to have a violent side?"

XXXX

"Talk... fast," Torchwick growled at Cardin as the latter took a seat in the same classroom- seriously, if Torchwick never saw this room again, it'd be too soon.

"So, one of the students got a hold of your hat, huh?" Cardin asked through that crud-eating grin. "And you're not exactly over the moon about it?"

"You're a mind reader," Torchwick spoke through narrowed eyes and gritting teeth.

"I think I know which student it was- _and_ how to get in contact with her." Cardin produced his scroll. "Every student in the school has every other student on speed-dial... just in case, you know? So, if we go down to 'B...'"

XXXX

Blake was still wandering the school, struggling to think of a plan, when her scroll went off. Looking at the number, she blinked in surprise. Picking it up and answering, she wondered out loud, "Cardin?"

"Belladonna, I presume? _Blake_ Belladonna?"

Blake blanched- that was _not_ Cardin's voice. Her teeth beginning to grit, she growled back, "My old teacher called me Ms. Belladonna- my friends call me Blake. You're _neither,_ Torchwick." Only after the words were out of her mouth did she cringe at them, realizing the conversation she was quoting.

"So you know who I am," Torchwick responded. "That makes things easier. I assume you're the one who took my hat, correct?"

"Easier than I thought," Blake recalled. "Five people in the room, and nobody noticed."

"Interesting... it's just a shame you're devoting your life to hunting. You'd make a good thief."

"In another life," Blake growled back.

A moment of silence, then Torchwick spoke up again. "You've probably already realized this, but it was a close friend of yours who put us into contact- would you like to speak to him?"

On the other end of the line, Torchwick put the scroll on speaker. Cardin smirked. "Hey, there, Blakey," he spoke up.

"Cardin?" Blake asked, eyes widening. "What are you-"

"No need to panic, buddy," Cardin interrupted. "I already told Torchwick everything- how far back we go, all those years of camaraderie... that if anyone could convince you to give him back his hat, it would be me, your best friend."

An ominous feeling filled Blake up inside. "Cardin... do you realize what you've done?"

"I'm just trying to save the school," Cardin answered. "Once he has his hat back, he'll leave, right, Ginge?"

Torchwick's eyebrow twitched at that nickname again, but he simply nodded. "Of course."

"Torchwick, this idiot is lying to you," Blake growled. "I hardly know him, and the few interactions we _have_ had consisted of him throwing racial slurs at me and my friends beating the crap out of him for throwing racial slurs at me. I would never call him a friend- not even close."

"How could you say that, Blakey? After all this time?"

"Cardin, do you have any goals in life other than becoming the ultimate _douchebag?!_ " Blake snarled. "Torchwick, this moron doesn't realize what he's gotten himself into- I do."

"Which means you'll be willing to do what it takes to save him, correct?" Torchwick wondered out loud, producing his cane again. Cardin eyed it nervously.

"Hey, Ginge... this is a scroll, not TV, you don't actually have to point-"

Blake panicked. "Cardin, you _idiot!_ This guy already killed Weiss, he won't have a _second's_ hesitation in killing you- shut up and tell him the truth already!"

Cardin blinked, recalling the scene back in the dining hall. "Weiss? But Weiss-"

* _CRACK!*_

Blake's eyes widened. A moment of silence passed, then Torchwick's voice came through again. "Meet me in the dining hall. It's time to end this."

And then a simple beep. Blake took deep breaths, wondering how much longer she could keep this up.

XXXX

As soon as he hung up, Torchwick slammed his face into the desk he'd thrown the scroll onto- a bemused Cardin looking on from the other side, doused from head to foot in strawberry jello. "Neo..." Torchwick spoke slowly. "I thought you changed out the jello pellets for actual rounds?"

Neo tentatively shook her head. Torchwick sighed. "Then why don't you do that now? Ideally _before_ that girl with my hat gets to the dining hall? As for you," he growled at Cardin, "just... back to the hall."

"Wh... whatever you say, Ginge," Cardin nodded shakily.

"And stop that!" Torchwick growled. "What is it with you and 'Ginge?' Don't you realize _you're_ a redhead, too?!"

"... I am?" Cardin asked, bewildered. Torchwick could almost hear his temple throbbing.

"Go. Just... just... go."

As Neo opened the door to lead him away, Torchwick rubbed feverishly at his forehead. This heist was _not_ going according to plan...

XXXX

Despite her conviction to end this whole thing upon arriving in the dining hall, Blake still had no plan as she stood before the doors. How many White Fang members must be on the other side? And if she knew them, every one of them likely had a _very_ itchy trigger finger- she could always take advantage of her own cat ears, but even that would only buy her a few seconds, at best. However... maybe that was all she needed...

Holding on tight enough to Gambol Shroud to turn her knuckles white, she opened the door and entered.

As one, all the White Fang members turned and pointed their weapons at her. Moving quickly, she threw out her trump card- in this case, her bow, revealing the velvet cat ears beneath. "Brothers of the White Fang!" she called out. "Why are you- are you... you..." her voice trailed off when she noticed that very few of them had even reacted to the doors crashing open- very few of them were moving at all. As her eyes rapidly moved around the hall, taking everything in, she realized something- there were only two. Not in the sense that there were literally only two members of the White Fang present, but each and every member that she could see was one of two, copy-and-pasted around the hall. Her mouth opening slightly as she turned to look at Torchwick and Neo at the front of the hall, she began to realize what was going on.

"So glad you could make it, Ms. Belladonna," Torchwick grinned. "Now, hand over the hat, before I give the order to execute every last hunter in this hall."

Her eyes continuing to roam, she gasped again as she spied the rest of her team in their usual spot- Weiss included. "Weiss!"

"Blake," the heiress greeted her through her faceful of jello.

"I thought you were dead!"

"Nope- he just sprayed me with strawberry jello," Weiss shook her head. "'All part of the plan,' apparently."

"It doesn't matter!" Torchwick yelled. "My hat, or these students' lives!"

Glancing from the 'White Fang members' to Torchwick to her team, Blake suddenly got an idea. "And do you know what that plan was, Weiss?"

"No, what was the plan?" Weiss wondered.

"I heard him talking about it when I took his hat- he's trying to use you and Ruby's love of strawberries to mess with her emotions and force her into submission!"

She was pulling this all out of her butt, but it had the desired effect- upon hearing that Torchwick had planned on using and abusing her sister's emotions, Yang leapt to her feet, eyes searing red. "He _what?!_ " she screeched.

"I what?" Torchwick couldn't help but wonder himself.

"You son of a-" Yang yelled, leaping over the table. "I will _end_ you!"

A White Fang member stepped forward to stop her- only for her to punch him into shards, just as Blake had suspected. There were no White Fang members here- they were only a hallucination created by Neo.

She could see the realization spreading across the student body- "They're all an illusion- there's only _two_ of them!"- but she had eyes only for Yang as she fought her way through the illusion up to Torchwick, who brought up his cane and fired- right at Yang's hair.

A gasp went through the hall from everyone who knew the full consequences of what he'd just done. "Oh, what does it matter?" Torchwick muttered. "It's just jello anyways-"

His voice trailed off as he saw the clear singe marks in Yang's mane, marking where the hairs he'd just shot off had once been attached to her head. "...Neo?" A nod from his right-hand ice-cream woman. "You finally got around to replacing my ammunition, didn't you?" Another nod.

"Time to die," Yang growled, and thus began the great onslaught of every single student hunter in the academy on the only two thieves that were actually present.

XXXX

"What a day, what a day, what a day," Blake grumbled as she fell back into her bed.

"I'm with you, there," Yang agreed. "And to still have to go to classes after all that..."

"At least they got Torchwick again," Ruby sighed- even she was struggling to find a bright side in that day's shenanigans.

"The least they could have done was let me _shower_ first," Weiss grumbled, at long last heading to the shower to wash away that jello.

"Such a waste," Ruby lamented.

Blake tuned them all out, turning back to the book she'd been attempting to read earlier. Moving very tentatively, she opened it up one last time. No bizarre images, no creepy music, no text other than what was supposed to be there. She sighed- well, at least whoever had hijacked the fourth wall had enough leniency to let her rest after all that.

XXXX

Torchwick grumbled as he was ushered into a new cell- this one large enough for two, Neo right at his side. "Well, at least we're stuck here together this time, huh, Neo... Neo?"

The multicolored girl seemed oddly unresponsive- he tried to touch her on the shoulder, only for her image to fall apart, leaving in her place only a single, hastily-scrawled note.

 _I'll bail you out again as soon as you learn your lesson about taking heist plans from flipping_ Hollywood.

He froze. His eye twitched. He leaned back and yelled to the heavens, "NEEEEEOOOOOO!"

 _XXXX_

Well... that... was... something. Hope you guys enjoyed, at any rate. A few ideas for what might be in store for the next chapter- maybe something a little shorter, with more emphasis on humor, and less on faux- action. Still have plenty of ideas of my own for one-shots, but as before, if you have any ideas of your own, or any input on how to improve the story in general, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	3. The Picture in the Dorm

Gamer4 in! Wow... it feels odd to be back. It's been over three or four months since I've written... anything at all, really. I understand why- things have been _massively_ busy on this end of the internet- but that doesn't make looking at my fanfiction profile- and all those woefully incomplete stories- any easier. Well, today seems like a good day to start getting myself back into the swing of things, so let's start off with another chapter for my simplest story- insofar as there's no major overarching plot going on. Hope you guys enjoy- it was a long time coming.

Disclaimer: Red Dwarf. BBC. You'll see why soon.

Episode III

The Picture in the Dorm

"Wow, Weiss, your sister's pretty awesome!"

...Ruby said on the basis that Winter Schnee was currently footing the bill for a meal between the three of them- that is, Weiss, Winter, and Ruby- at a remarkably fancy restaurant that- by pure coincidence- happened to have some of the most revered cookies in Remnant. (Weiss had, of course, pleaded ignorance to this fact when Winter wondered why she insisted on introducing her partner there, of all places.)

"I like to think that, at times, I can indeed be... hmm... 'awesome,'" Winter nodded her affirmation, closely observing her sister's partner over the folds of her hands.

"Of course, she didn't have to _live_ with you for seventeen years," Weiss scoffed, prompting Ruby to blink as she glanced between the two ivory-haired aristocrats. Even knowing Weiss as well as she did, she couldn't tell if that one was a genuine barb or just some sisterly riffing- not unlike herself and Yang.

Either way, the statement prompted a wicked, almost mischievous light to spark in the depths of Winter's eyes- or maybe that was the camera going off behind them, it was hard to tell. "Is that so, Weiss? Well, having lived with you all that time, I'm sure I could relate some very interesting stories to your partner, if she so wished..."

Weiss turned violently red, and began stammering- while Ruby perked up, her eyes alight as she spun to face the elder Schnee. "Could you? What _was_ Weiss like before she came to Beacon? Oh- oh! Do you have any pictures of her when she was younger?"

Winter laughed airily. "Weiss, I'm surprised at you- how could you fail so thoroughly to educate your partner that she would utter such a redundant statement?"

"Hm?" Question marks appeared in Weiss's eyes, prompting her sister to elaborate.

"Any picture I had of you would, by _necessity,_ be a picture of you when you were younger. What other option is there?"

The smile on Winter's face faltered at the knowing grin that suddenly passed between Ruby and Weiss at that statement. "Well, you see... that's not _entirely_ true..." Ruby began, sounding like she was struggling to resist laughter.

"Indeed, my dear sister," Weiss spoke in that same manner, "if you so desired, I _could_ produce a picture of myself when I'm _older._ "

Winter gave a reserved chuckle at this. "You could, could you? I believe I _would_ like to see such a picture."

She had expected their laughter to falter then and there- it was a pretty feeble joke, if calling it out was all that was necessary for it to fall apart- and was therefore not prepared for Weiss to reach into the pocket of her jacket and produce a small square of paper and slide it across the table for her. Picking it up, Winter's eyes widened. The picture was of Team RWBY- though clearly not the Team RWBY she was aware of. Yang didn't look all that different- perhaps a little taller and with slightly longer hair, were such a thing possible- but then there was a cat-eared faunus who looked, for all the world, like the older sibling of Blake Belladonna. Beside that, there was no mistaking the Ruby Rose in the picture for the Ruby Rose who sat in front of her, happily gnawing on a cookie- the Ruby in this picture had hit quite a few growth spurts, and puberty had very clearly been quite generous to her, in many- many- more ways than one.

But the one she had the most eyes for was, of course, the girl she'd grown up with- the Weiss portrayed in this photograph was taller and more mature than the one she'd seen off to Beacon the previous year, her hair slightly longer even as she wore it in the same asymmetrical ponytail that she always had.

Despite all the differences, however, it definitely seemed to be Team RWBY, from how Ruby was slinging her arm around Weiss's shoulder, to how Weiss seemed to be pushing her away with one hand while holding her closer with the other, to Blake standing off to the side, watching in amusement, as Yang fought to bring them all into a giant group hug.

Winter looked back up at the satisfied smirks of her guests. "Alright, I'll bite- what's the trick?"

"No tricks, sister," Weiss shook her head. "That's us when we're older."

"Then how-"

"It's a _looooooooooong_ story," Ruby recalled. "I think it started- where did it start, Weiss?"

"Must I remember everything?" Weiss asked, with no bite or malice in her voice. "It was just after that ridiculous raid of Torchwick's- back when Blake was still obsessing over the fourth wall- when..."

XXXX

"Blake, you need to rest."

"Not this again- I _can't_ rest- not when something so obviously _wrong_ is going on!"

"And what, pray tell, makes you so confident something's wrong?" Weiss countered- then, after a moment of silence, pressed her face into her palm. "Aside from the White Fang, that is."

"Did you not _see_ the things going on last episode?" Blake objected. "Torchwick breaks out, only to go on a robbing binge inspired by a Spruce Willis movie, cover Weiss in jello, convince the teachers that _Cardin_ and _Velvet_ were playing _hopscotch,_ and you think that's all somehow _normal?!_ "

A long silence followed her rant, the rest of her team staring at her as she stood there, breast heaving with the effort of it all. Finally, Yang was the one to speak up. "You had me up until you said 'episode.'"

"That was at the very beginning," Weiss pointed out, face digging further into her palm.

Next came Ruby's turn to speak- her first time doing so since initiating the conversation. "Look, Blake, I don't know about any 'episodes' or anything like that, but no matter what's going on- and I guess you're right that _something_ weird is going on here- we're not going to manage anything if you're so tired it feels like you're slipping in and out of reality. Come on- we have the day off tomorrow, why not just catch some Z's now, sleep in a bit tomorrow, and tackle... whatever this is... with a fresh mind?"

Blake opened her mouth, ready to object, only to silence herself. Finally, she shook her head. "That... actually sounds nice." She shook her head and approached her bunk. "Haven't gotten a good night's sleep since... Torchwick... after... all..."

She was breathing heavily before her head even hit the pillow. Weiss smiled slightly. "Even Blake can't turn down the puppy dog eyes."

"That's Ruby for ya!" Yang nodded cheerfully, pulling the other two into a side hug. ("Ah! Yang!" "Release me, you brute!") "Who'd have thought a puppy could convince her to take a cat nap?!"

Weiss sighed. "Let go of me. Now." From there, she closed her eyes and folded her arms until Yang finally released them from her iron grip. "Thank you. Now, Ruby, I believe it is time for us to go."

"Go? Go where?" Yang asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Got more 'strawberry jello' tricks up your sleeve, Schnee?"

"When are we finally going to stop talking about that?" Weiss groaned. "No, we're going to Gamestop."

"Gamestop?" Yang asked, truly taken aback- at the idea of Weiss entering said store at _all,_ let alone being the one to drag _Ruby_ there.

"Ever since you threw down the gauntlet with Professor Layton a few weeks back," Ruby explained, "she's become obsessed with finding a video game she _can_ beat. It's... not going very well."

"I see." Yang's face broke into a grin, eyes gleaming with a wicked mischief.

"Dangit, Ruby, I told you not to tell anyone that! In fact, I recall specifically saying, 'Least of all, Yang!'" Weiss sighed before latching onto her partner's hood and using it to drag her outside. "Whatever, let's get going."

"Bye, sis!" Ruby waved as Weiss dragged her along, leaving Yang alone with her sleeping partner and some surprising new information to work towards her nefarious ends.

XXXX

Later that night, Blake's eyes cracked open, revealing a faint glow of amber in RWBY's dorm room, flicking around as she tried to pinpoint what, exactly, had awoken her. She thought she'd heard a great rumbling sound, almost like the school had been wracked with an earthquake, but if it was, it was the shortest earthquake she'd ever heard of- in the time it had taken her to open her eyes, it had already ceased. A great snorting noise echoed across from her, and she blinked- perhaps it was just Weiss. A casual observer likely wouldn't think it, but the heiress was quite possibly the loudest snorer in the entire dorm building. Many another student had assumed it would be Yang, and honestly, Blake had as well, back when the teams were first forming- but nope, Yang seemed to enjoy sleep far too much to ruin it with errant noises from her sinuous. Remarkably sensual moaning, however, was definitely on the table- they'd had more than one uncomfortable interrogation with Goodwitch involving suspicions of 'illicit activities' in their dorm.

Finally shaking the event off as a particularly loud snore on Weiss's part, Blake turned over in bed. The paranoid part of her was screeching at her to investigate- it was, after all, quite possible that whatever rumble she'd sensed was tied to the hijacking of the fourth wall- however, for once, her sheer depths of exhaustion, and the calling out of her soft, warm mattress triumphed, prompting her to sink back into her deep, dreamless sleep.

XXXX

"Ah, hey, if it ain't Red and White again!" greeted the cheerful salesman behind Gamestop's desk- his name tag read 'Scott.' "Weren't you just in here yesterday?"

"We're here to return this game," Weiss snarled, thrusting a copy of _Uncharted 2- Drake's Fortune_ towards the hapless salesperson. "It... is... defective."

"Huh," Scott shrugged, opening up the case and examining the disc under the light. "I don't see any major smudges or scratches... what exactly is it doing wrong?"

"It's not broken," Ruby interjected. "She's just upset that Lazaravic keeps beating her so badly."

"Nothing to be ashamed of," Scott shrugged again, returning the disc to the case. "I mean, sure, not the hardest end boss ever, but he's not exactly the Grinning Colossus either."

"Yeah, but he beat her during his introductory cutscene," Ruby recalled, already tapping her index fingers together in shame before Weiss had even turned back to berate her.

" _Dangit,_ Ruby! Why would you tell him that?!"

"Sorry." Ruby couldn't bring herself to look Weiss face to face- not when her own upset had somewhat prompted her abrupt explanation- she couldn't explain why, but Weiss's heaps of praise over Nathan Drake's visage during her playtime to be... less than thrilling. It had prompted an odd feeling in her that she hadn't quite felt before, and thus found difficult to place now.

"Well, hey, at least you got that far- nothing to sneeze at," Scott spoke bracingly.

"Actually, _I_ got that far," Ruby raised her hand meekly.

"Ruby, I swear to Dust-" Weiss began, only for her scroll to interrupt them. Quickly, she pulled it out and checked it. "Text from Blake- something weird's going on back at Beacon." Eager for an excuse to get out of the game shop, she motioned towards her partner. "Let's go." With that, she was out.

Ruby was slightly more hesitant, glancing at the game- it _had_ been rather fun. But then, the memory of Weiss drooling over its protagonist came back. "You know what, I think it might have been defective after all," she amended her previous statement. "Maybe we _should_ trade it out for something else..."

XXXX

THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER

"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," Yang crooned as she curled her hair in the mirror. "Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand... in other words, darling kiss me..."

Yang couldn't help liking this particular song- she had vague memories of Summer- who, while not related to her by blood, was, for all intents and purposes, her true mother- singing her to sleep with it, causing it to bring both her and Ruby great comfort whenever it came up.

The fact that it was the perfect length of time for her to get the perfect amount of curl in her hair was simply happy coincidence.

"Fill my heart with song, and let me... sing... forever...more..." Yang's voice trailed off as she noticed something strange in the mirror- her reflection was suddenly showing a look of confusion not present in her own face- or rather, it _was_ present, but only because it had shown up on the mirror first. "What- what the?" Initially, she brushed it off as a trick of the light, and chuckled. "Ever had a day you weren't sure which side of the mirror you were on?"

With that, she returned to curling. "Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore- you are all I- _what?!_ " Yang momentarily panicked when her reflection pulled the curling iron away from its hair- taking a burnt lock or two along with it. Yang swiftly wrenched the iron away from her own hair- only to see that it was completely unharmed. Looking at the mirror, it seemed to have resynched itself again. "What... what is going on...?"

Shakily, trying desperately to brush this all off as imagination, she returned to curling. "In other words, please be true... in other words, I- _Blake?!_ "

Yang spun around as Blake abruptly appeared behind her- at least, in the mirror. In reality, Blake was still on her bed, sawing logs. Shaking harder than ever, Yang turned back to the mirror, only to notice the smell of something burning. Looking down, she saw a trace amount of smoke rising from the curling iron, and quickly wrenched it away from her hair- taking a lock with it.

Fury rose within her, her eyes blinking from lilac to red as she yelled the first thing that came to mind- " _BLAKE!_ "

"What? What is it?" came the concerned cry of the faunus as she jerked awake at her partner's call, utilizing her shadow clones to appear as close to Yang as possible.

Yang glanced at her partner, standing just behind her, then looked back to the mirror. "Does anything in the mirror seem... odd to you?" she asked, anger switching to confusion as she regained a cooler head.

Blake looked from the real Yang to the one in the mirror several times before gasping.

"You noticed something?" Yang asked, eager for confirmation that she wasn't insane.

"Your hair!" Blake pointed. "You burnt off some hair!"

Yang groaned. "No, not the hair! The mirror was acting weird earlier, and-"

"The mirror?" Blake asked skeptically. "The only odd thing I see right now is that your hair got damaged, and the dorm building is still standing."

"But- then- but- the- because-" Yang spluttered for a moment, before hanging her head, realizing how crazy she must sound. "You know what?" she conceded. "You're right. Just... just head out and... and get some breakfast or something, huh?"

"I suppose," Blake nodded, albeit still looking rather concerned for her friend- and mentally adding 'room still intact after threat to Yang's hair' to her growing list of evidence that the fourth wall had been hijacked.

With that, she turned and headed into the hall, where she swiftly found the next bit of evidence- a girl in pink with short, orange hair approaching her and saying, with the brightest smile imaginable on her face, "Hey, Blake! Y'know, Ren's being weird today..."

XXXX

FIVE MINUTES EARLIER

"I'm going to make pancakes!" Nora cheered as she skipped towards Team JNPR's dorm room. "They are so very tasty! I could eat 'em all day- they are so very tasty!"

Brightly, she swung around the door's frame into the room itself, where she could still hear Ren running his shower- up bright and early, as ever. Not quite as early as herself, taking off on her usual morning constitution, but still. Jaune and Pyrrha seemed to be out as well- probably more impromptu training sessions. Whatever the case, it just meant more pancakes for her! Well, when Ren finished his shower, at least.

Nora practically exploded with excitement when the bathroom door opened and Ren stepped out, towel wrapped around his waist. "Morning, Nora."

"Morning, Ren!" Nora chirped brightly, failing to notice that Ren wasn't exactly looking at her. "Ready to go get some pancakes?"

Ren's next sentence, however, _did_ throw her off, as he worked his way across the room and began to change his clothes. Not even glancing at her, he asked, "How did I do what?"

Nora blinked. "Huh?"

"I did?" Ren asked, throwing a confused glance at- nowhere near where Nora was.

"Ren, I'm over here," Nora waved, attempting to draw his attention towards her.

"My... clothes," Ren folded his arms as he slid the last of said clothing over his shoulders.

"What _about_ your clothes?" Nora asked, feeling well and truly lost- a surprisingly unique feeling for her. It was usually _her_ part in the relationship to spout random non-sequiturs, not Ren's!

"Like what?" Ren asked, succinct as ever.

"That's what I'm asking!" Nora pointed out.

"Now?"

"Yeah, right now!" Nora agreed, though uncertain why he required the clarification- and _why wouldn't he look at her?_

"Deja vu? That _is_ what this is starting to sound like..." Ren conceded- though, to Nora's frustration, the point he was conceding wasn't one she had made to begin with.

"Ren, is something wrong?" she finally decided to come out and ask exactly what was on her mind.

Ren shook his head- but not in denial, it seemed, but in _amusement._ "You never cease to amaze me, Nora. Come on, let's go get some pancakes." With that, he turned and headed out the door.

Nora stood there, dumbfounded, for quite a while before the sound of the shower ceased- honestly, she hadn't noticed it until it had, but the shower had continued throughout her 'conversation' with Ren. A moment later, the door to the bathroom, which she didn't recall closing, opened once more, revealing... Ren, with a towel wrapped around his lower half. Noticing her as he began to cross the room, he greeted her. "Morning, Nora."

Nora blinked- so, this was all a trick he was doing for her? Just another reason they were best friends! "Whoa! How did you do that?"

Ren stared as he proceeded to get dressed. "How did I do what?"

"You- you teleported across the room!"

"I did?" Ren asked, throwing a confused glance at her.

"Yeah!" Nora nodded furiously. "You were there-" a finger pointing to the door to the hallway- "and then you were there!" -her other finger pointing to the bathroom door. "And... in that time, you somehow took your clothes off again?" Her voice trailed off slightly as she realized how little sense that made.

Ren seemed to agree. "My... clothes," he spoke in a deadpan voice.

"Yeah, your clothes," Nora nodded. Then, remembering something else, she added, "Oh, and you were saying all these weird things, too!"

"Like what?" Ren asked, succinct as ever.

"Like..." Nora fumbled for the best words to describe it, before coming to a realization. "Like what you're saying now!"

"Now?" Ren asked, bewildered.

"Exactly!" Nora grinned widely as she began to put the pieces together in her head. "Then next, you said something about 'Davy Boo' or something like that!"

"'Deja vu?'" Ren guessed at what she was actually attempting to say. "That _is_ what this is starting to sound like..."

"Exactly!" Nora cheered. "Word for word!"

Ren shook his head, chuckling. "You never cease to amaze me, Nora. Come on, let's go get some pancakes." With that, he turned and headed out of the room.

Nora, however, lingered behind a little longer, brain seething as she attempted to make heads or tails of what she'd just witnessed. Eventually, she finally brushed it off as less important than Ren-made pancakes, and hurried down the hall- just in time to bump into Blake Belladonna. "Oh, hey, Blake!" she greeted. Suddenly wondering if the faunus might not hold some answers, she added, ""Y'know, Ren's being weird today..."

XXXX

FORTY MINUTES LATER

It didn't take Ruby or Weiss that long at all to get back to Beacon- those airships were _fast_ \- but it took them much longer to accept what they were hearing as truth. "So let me get this straight- our mirror was acting up, then Ren decided to teleport _and_ take his clothes off- all at once?" Weiss summed up.

"According to Nora, yeah," Blake nodded.

"And she's the most reliable source of information because...?"

"Look, I know she's a little on the twisted side," Blake conceded.

"A little?" Yang snorted.

"-and Yang has no room to talk," Blake continued over the indignant 'Hey!', "but at the end of the day, she's no liar. Exaggeration, maybe, but if she says something happened, something happened."

"In a dream, maybe," Weiss countered.

"It _does_ sound a little out there," Ruby conceded. "What do you think is actually going on, then? And why now?"

"I don't know," Blake admitted. "Though... I did wake up last night, to this loud rumbling noise. I thought it was Weiss's snoring at first-"

"I do _not_ snore!" Weiss piped up indignantly, only for Yang and Blake to chant in one voice,

"Yes, yes you do."

Looking desperately for any backup whatsoever, Weiss turned to Ruby, who was determinedly looking away, the tapping of her index fingers against each other telling the heiress everything she needed to know. "...Drat," was all she could mutter, kicking her heels together despondently.

Further conversation was halted as a chiming echoed through the loudspeaker- "All students, please report to the auditorium for an emergency announcement- repeat, all students, please report-"

"Y'think it has anything to do with what's going on?" Yang asked.

"Couldn't hurt to show up and find out," Blake shrugged, before leading her eager partner, a still sulking Weiss, and a shamefaced Ruby down the hall.

XXXX

By the time they arrived, Ozpin was already standing at the head of the hall in front of his customary microphone, straight-faced even with Goodwitch just to his side, glaring hard enough to drill holes into the side of his head. The moment everyone calmed down enough for him to speak, he cleared his throat and began.

"Now, some of you have no doubt noticed some odd goings-on today. I have called you here to offer some explanations, and to reassure you that, odd though these occurrences may be, there is nothing to be concerned about.

"Late last night, I was working on one of my... _inventions-_ " At which he had to pause as a collective groan echoed throughout the auditorium.

"Another invention?" Weiss cringed. "Doesn't he remember what happened last time with those- what did he call them- whir-gates?"

Finally, he was able to regain control and continue. "While the nature of the invention shall remain secret for now, let it be said that it did involve the manipulation of time energy- a great deal of which escaped during the accident in the lab last night."

"Time energy?" Yang wondered skeptically. "The hell's that?"

Ozpin cleared his throat. "As you have most likely guessed, the... _happenings_ you have likely been noticing are a result of that experiment's fallout- according to Goodwitch, what is actually happening is that you may be witnessing things that have yet to occur."

"Huh?" was the general cry from the populace, confused looks being exchanged amongst all the students.

"Allow me to put this more simply," Ozpin adjusted his glasses. "My machine utilized time energy. Time energy escaped. As a result, you may witness glimpses of the future, seemingly at random- see a student doing something that they will do soon, but haven't done yet."

Goodwitch cleared her throat. "Simple?"

Ozpin sighed. "I'm sure they understood. Anyways, these glimpses of the future are just shadows of things to come- they cannot see or interact with you in any way, so my best recommendation is to simply ignore them until we manage to clean up the fallout, thus rectifying the situation altogether."

XXXX

"Like it's so easy to just ignore getting random glimpses of the future," Weiss couldn't help but grumble as she watched _herself_ walking by with a collection of books in her arms, only to trip and spill them across the ground in front of her.

"Things _do_ seem to be getting... out of hand," Pyrrha agreed, throwing a side glance towards the other end of the library, wondering what circumstances would prompt her to hide behind one of the shelves in such a manner.

Next thing, both teams WBY and JNPR jolted as Cardin Winchester went running by, nursing a dark bruise under one eye, shouting at the top of his lungs, "My eye! My eye! That stupid, soulless ginge gave me a black eye!"

"That idiot," Blake muttered with a quiet venom. "Doesn't he realize that _he's_ a redhead?"

"I'm a what?" came Cardin's voice from right behind them, dripping with oil. They spun around- and sure enough, there he was, face completely unblemished.

"A redhead," Blake hissed. "For crying out loud, I can at least half understand the whole faunus thing- whether I like it or not- but you keep hating on people who aren't even redheads when _your_ hair is red itself!"

"My hair's not red!" Cardin shouted back, only to momentarily look taken aback, as he raised a hand up to his hair. "Is it?"

Everyone present- everyone from both teams, sans Ruby- simply nodded in silence. Cardin, looking very put down, slowly backed away, muttering something indiscernible under his breath.

"Anyways," Blake shook her head, "as I was saying, I'm starting to suspect that all this-"

"You weren't saying anything," Jaune pointed out.

"Huh?"

"Everything was completely quiet before Snow Angel brought up the meeting with Ozpin from earlier," Jaune recalled. "Nobody was saying anything before that."

"Are you sure?" Blake asked, eyebrows rising.

And thus came an incredibly awkward silence that was only broken when Ruby entered the room, making a beeline directly for Weiss. "Weiss! Hey, hey, Weiss!"

"Yes, Ruby?" Weiss asked, closing her eyes and silently begging for patience.

"Where's 'Mortality?'"

Weiss's eyes snapped open, and out of the corner of her eye, she noticed she was hardly alone in staring at Ruby for this one. "M-mortality?" she asked, trying to ensure she'd heard properly.

"Yeah, Mortality. Where is it?"

For a moment, Weiss entertained the idea that this was another of those glimpses of the future- but that didn't seem right, Ruby, for all the nonsense that was coming out of her mouth, _did_ seem to be responding directly to her, rather than some future version of her. "What do you mean, 'Where' is mortality? What even brought this up?"

"Well," Ruby glanced behind her, looking thoughtful, "I was reading back in the dorm when I saw you come in wearing my cloak. I thought that was weird, because seriously, why would _you_ be wearing _my_ cloak? But then I looked over and saw my cloak was actually right where I left it, and I realized- this had to be another one of those future thingies Ozpin warned us about! So I jumped down and saw you reading a letter- I was going to just leave it be, but then I saw my name on the letter- it said something like 'We regret to inform you that Ruby Rose has entered mortality,' yada yada yada... and you seemed pretty sad about it, too, so I thought I'd come ask you where mortality is, and why it's so bad to go into it." At long last, Ruby ceased her long-winded, one-breath explanation, and collapsed into a chair between her sister and partner to catch her breath.

Weiss, meanwhile, glanced around at the others present, to see them all sharing similar looks of horror to the one she was certain was currently spreading across her face. When Ruby finally looked up and saw them, her own brows knitted in concern. "Something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong!" Weiss vehemently denied, shaking her head rapidly. "I... I think I might have heard... something about... something in... the SDC... and... why don't you head over to Gamestop and see if you can't find another game for us to play later, alright? One you think I can beat."

"That might take a while," Ruby muttered towards the floor, hanging her head in shame at having to criticize her.

"That- that'll be fine," Weiss shook her head. "Just- just see if you can go find something, alright?"

"Okay," Ruby nodded before rising to her feet and heading out.

"Okay, what the hell?" Yang growled, her eyes flickering to red, as they were wont to do when threats to Ruby arose. "Are you telling me she just saw a glimpse of the future, and it showed her _dying?"_

"That's what it sounds like," Pyrrha nodded, hands folded in front of her mouth. "The question is, how did it happen?"

"You mean, how _will_ it happen," Ren pointed out.

"This is no time to be anal about grammar!" Yang growled.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not downplaying what we just heard," Ren raised his hands. "Just pointing out that whatever happened, it hasn't happened _yet_. Now that we know something's going to happen that will result in her death, we can take preventative measures."

Nora squealed before tackling him in a bear hug. "That's my Renny! Always thinking!"

"I'm not sure it'll be that simple," Blake shook her head, biting her lip. "Remember the glimpses we've gotten before- nine times out of ten, the fact that we saw the future led to it coming true. I don't want to be that person- but maybe what we see is inevitable. No matter what we do, it _will_ happen."

"I won't believe that," Yang growled. "Whatever is going to happen, I won't _let_ it!"

"Maybe," Jaune spoke up, hand up to his chin, "maybe what we really need to do is prove it."

"Prove what?" Yang turned on him.

"Meep!" Jaune yelped, cowering under Yang's flaming mane. "I- I was just saying, maybe if we could stop another of these glimpses from coming true, maybe we'd know whether we could save Ruby or not!"

Pyrrha beamed. "That is a fine idea, Jaune. So, what glimpses have we seen that we could potentially prevent?"

"Well, in the past few minutes, we've seen Weiss tripping and spilling a bunch of books," Ren recalled, "Pyrrha standing behind the fantasy section, Blake doing a backflip over the top of the shelves, Nora spilling syrup over a copy of 'Don Quixote de la Mancha,'..."

"What's this guy been paying attention to while all this has been going on?" Blake wondered out loud.

"That's Ren for ya!" Nora grinned.

"-and Cardin running by with a black eye," Ren finally completed his mental checklist.

"Okay, so how would Cardin get a black eye?" Jaune wondered.

"The only person who usually beats him up is Coco- when she sees him harassing Velvet," Blake mused.

"But he said 'that ginge' gave him a black eye," Weiss pointed out. "Coco's hair is brown."

"You know Cardin, he calls _everybody_ ginge," Blake countered. "He might just call her that, if the opportunity arose..."

"But you'd think he'd know better than to bully Velvet with Coco around by now," Yang pointed out. "Or... at all, really."

"Hey, Velvet, get over here!" came Cardin's voice over the library, prompting a collective facepalm from the group.

"One would think," Ren muttered.

XXXX

Cardin was having a dilemma.

More of a conundrum, really.

Ah, did it really matter what he called it? The point still stood.

Was his hair truly ginger?

Could it be that he was among that group that he so despised?

That thief the other day had said so, but he was a thief- ergo, a liar.

That faunus insisted in the library that he was, but she hated him- she could be lying to demoralize him.

Was there anyone in the school- anyone incapable of lying, who wouldn't tell him a falsehood just to spite him?

Only one name came to mind- someone who, whether through the goodness of her heart, or through simply being afraid of him, wouldn't lie.

"Hey, Velvet, get over here!"

XXXX

Velvet let out a small shriek as she looked up to see her longtime tormentor coming towards her. Coco, lurking nearby, moved quickly to intercept him. "Back off, moron," she growled, hefting her bag threateningly.

"Step aside, ginge," Cardin muttered, shoving her aside.

" _You're_ ginger, you dip!" Coco yelled, approaching with her bag, heedless to the desperate motions not to coming from the table nearby, even as one of them rose up from her seat...

"Yeah, about that," Cardin turned towards Velvet, heedless of the handbag of death (TM) coming his way, "Velvet- I need to ask you-"

"No!" came a cry from nearby, and there was a blur of red as Cardin was tackled out of the way of Coco's wrath- right into the shelf opposite, where a shower of falling books met him and his assailant- Pyrrha Nikos.

For a moment, he looked up, absolutely befuddled. "Nikos? Where'd you- ah- ah!" The yell came as he raised a hand to his face- where quite the spectacular shiner was already blooming over his eye. "You- argh!" He leapt to his feet and tore out of the library, yelling at the top of his lungs, "My eye! My eye! That stupid, soulless ginge gave me a black eye!"

For a long moment, Pyrrha and the others, still back at the table, gazed at each other, a certain depression making its way into their eyes.

"Well," Ren finally commented drily, "he got the color of hair right, for once."

XXXX

"This can't be happening," Weiss moaned as Team WBY made their way up to their room. "We can't just... let her _die_..."

"We won't," Blake struggled to reassure her. "We still have time until... whatever it is happens. We'll find a way to save her."

"Save who?" came a chirpy voice behind them, prompting them to nearly have heart attacks as they spun around to see Ruby standing there, beaming.

"Nobody," Weiss shook her head cautiously. "Find any good games?"

"Well, there's this!" Ruby grinned brightly, producing _Kirby's Return to Dreamland._ "Apparently, the Kirby series is _supposed_ to be kind of a 'beginner's series,' but I hear it's still really fun, and-"

"Will Team RWBY please report to Professor Port's office for an emergency briefing," came another voice over the PA system. "Repeat, will Team RWBY please-"

"Huh, wonder what he wants," Ruby wondered, glancing up. "Ah, well- let's go find out!" With that, she turned and tore off, oblivious to the nervous looks flashing between the rest of her team.

XXXX

"Ah, girls, welcome!"

Team RWBY stood before Professor Port, and a watchful Professor Goodwitch, three nervously and one excitedly awaiting whatever they had to say. "Ah, it does my heart good to see that the next generation of hunters is so reliable," Port continued. "Why, it reminds me of-"

"Peter," Goodwitch muttered under her breath.

"Another time!" Port changed topic without missing a beat. "Now, I assume you've heard about all these 'future glimpses' being caused by released time energy, correct?"

"Yes," all four nodded at once.

"Ozpin _did_ hold that big meeting, after all," Weiss pointed out.

"Glad to hear it- because the assignment I have for you today has almost nothing to do with that!" Port chortled.

A vein was going in Weiss's forehead. She did _not_ have time for this- she had a partner to save. "So, what _is_ it about?"

"Well, you see, a rather large amount of grimm are beginning to coalesce out in Forever Fall," Port explained, stroking his moustache. "Ozpin is becoming concerned, but all professors are needed here to deal with the fallout of the time energy, so we decided to send you instead."

Team WBY froze, turning shakily to their leader, over whose face a bright grin was spreading. "Sounds awesome!" Ruby cheered. "We accept!"

"Splendid!" Port beamed- or they suspected he was beaming, it was hard to tell under that moustache of his. "In that case, your ship leaves in half an hour!"

XXXX

"You think this is where it happens?" Weiss asked of Blake as the two of them, along with Yang, milled about their room, changing into their combat gear. Ruby was off fetching their weapons.

"I would say it is fairly likely," Blake nodded.

"Then this will be simple," Yang glared, smacking the ends of her fists together. "We keep her safe, no matter what. We spend this whole trip protecting her- we won't let anything happen."

"It sounds good on paper," Blake shook her head hopelessly, "but you saw what happened earlier- trying to prevent the future caused it. I don't know about this..."

"We won't let it happen," Weiss stood firm. "We're coming back here tonight- all of us."

"Of course we are!" came Ruby's chirping voice from the door. "Why wouldn't we?"

Weiss cringed slightly. "No reason, Ruby. Of course- no reason."

XXXX

Team WBY's hearts were racing as they headed through the crimson realm that was Forever Fall, even as their leader skipped along, humming a cheery tune to herself. Yang had elected to stay behind, watching her sister's back, while Blake was making a conscious effort to stay ahead and spot any danger, ideally long before it came near the girl in the hood. Weiss, meanwhile, stood protectively at Ruby's side, eyes darting from left to right in paranoia at every noise.

"You know, you guys seem nervous," Ruby commented. "Is something up?"

"Nothing!" all three were quick to deny. Ruby shrugged and proceeded onwards.

At last, they discovered the grimm they were looking for, gathered in a large clearing. "What's going on here?" Blake wondered- grimm didn't usually gather like this.

"Who knows?" Ruby shrugged, before grinning, hoisting Crescent Rose over her shoulder. "Let's kill 'em!"

"Ruby, wai-" Yang began, but Ruby had already hurdled the log separating her from the clearing and charged in, scythe swinging. The others cursed and charged in after her, determined to protect her.

The fight was intense, but brief- after all their training, with no substantially large grimm around, the huntresses had a significant advantage. Metal sliced through darkness, fire blazed, ice formed, and many copies of Blake were swiped away only for the attacker to fall as the real thing swung her blade through their skulls.

In the end, there stood the four of them, among multiple grimm bodies already dissipating into nothing, and all members checking the safety of their leader- who seemed just fine.

"Aw, the way Port was talking, I thought this would at least be a challenge," Ruby pouted, swinging Crescent Rose around to rest behind her back. "They went down easy."

"Yeah... easy," Weiss agreed, still looking around the trees in suspicion- if this was the mission that had gotten Ruby killed in the future, there was no way this was _it._ " _Too_ easy..."

"Well, back to Beacon we go, I guess," Ruby shrugged, leaping down from the rock she'd ended the fight on- only for a massive King Taijitu to tackle her from the side, dragging her off into the forest.

"No! Ruby!" Yang yelled, tearing off after her, Blake and Weiss not far behind.

Mentally, all three were cursing themselves- how could they have been so stupid as to let their guard down? They'd known something was going to be happening on this trip, and still...

Their pace quickened as they heard a loud yell that sounded very much like their leader, and they finally rushed into yet another clearing-

Only to find Ruby standing over the dead body of the King Taijitu, currently on the ground in two separate halves, chest heaving as she fought to catch her breath, Crescent Rose over her shoulder again. "Jerk," she muttered, turning back to them. Catching sight of her team, particularly the intense concern in their eyes, question marks appeared in her own. "Something up, guys?"

XXXX

"So..." Yang wondered slowly as they walked back to their room, (Ruby had already run ahead,) "Did we do it?"

"I wouldn't put too much money on that," Weiss shook her head. "Something about it was just... too easy. We didn't really do anything that we wouldn't have done normally..."

"Or, maybe that's the best we could have done," Blake pointed out. "That said... it _did_ seem a tad too simple..."

"Guys!" came Ruby's voice as she dashed out of their room.

"What? What is it?" Yang asked, nearly jumping out of her skin.

"Another one, another one!"

"Another what?"

"Yang's in her bed- but she's _way_ older!"

For a moment, the rest of the group looked confused, but then comprehension seemed to dawn on them, and they dashed into their dorm room, where, sure enough, there was a doppelganger of Yang up in her bed- albeit clearly a much older Yang than the one standing between them. Her hair, to begin with, was much longer, falling over the edge of the bed and stretching all the way down to the floor, where it proceeded to pool up in such a fashion that they weren't entirely sure how long it actually _was._ On top of that, it had been bleached almost entirely white, presumably with age, matching up with the myriad wrinkles across her face and the weariness in her eyes, even as she smiled down at them, as though she could actually see them.

The most shocking difference, however, was her right arm, which seemed to be made, not of flesh and bone, but of steel- it seemed to have been replaced, at some point, with a synthetic, robotic arm, painted in a manner highly characteristic of the person to whom it belonged.

"So, you're finally back from that mission, I'm guessing," the older Yang croaked, age showing through even in her voice. "Congratulations on protecting Ruby- though she wasn't in any danger."

"It's like she's actually talking to us," Weiss marveled.

"Sure am," the older Yang chuckled.

"Wow, it was like she could hear you!" Ruby stared in awe.

"I can," the Yang-2 nodded.

"You... you _can_ hear us?" the younger Yang asked her older self.

For a long while, the older Yang narrowed her eyes, and they eventually realized that, while this apparition definitely seemed more aware of the present day than the others had, she was still not entirely focused on them- she still couldn't see them, even if she knew that they were there, listening. "Okay, well, not _hear_ you exactly, but Blake wrote down the whole conversation, way back when- and I remember bits of it myself, so I know what to say and when."

"That... makes a marginal amount of sense," Weiss admitted. "Wait, what do you mean that Ruby was never in any danger?"

"I was never in danger?" Ruby asked. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, that's right," older Yang slapped her mechanical hand to her forehead. "Ruby didn't know yet, did she? Look, Rubes... mortality isn't a place, it's a word. Entering mortality means to die. That vision you had... was saying that you were going to die."

Ruby's eyes seemed to shrink in fear. "I- I'm going to die?!"

"And that's the first thing I need to tell you about," Yang continued, leaning back in her bed. "I have a message for each of you, and that's what I have to say to you, Ruby. Yes, you saw someone getting a letter reporting your death- but it wasn't Weiss."

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked, teeth beginning to chatter. "It looked _exactly_ like her!"

"Of course it looked a lot like her, but it wasn't because it _was_ her- it was her daughter," Yang explained, eyes struggling to focus on her sister, years in the past. "Her granddaughter, to be exact- receiving a note about your death years and years into the future."

"My _granddaughter?!_ " Weiss asked, aghast. "You mean... I... I..."

Ruby, meanwhile, was following a different train of thought. "So, if I still ended up dead in the future, but it wasn't because of grimm, what was it?"

"If I recall right, your next question was how you _did_ die, then," Yang strained her memory. "As to that, I'll leave it up to you- either you went down in a blaze of glory, eliminating all evil from the world... or you choked on a cookie."

"What?!" Ruby asked, astonished at the grin on her much, much older sister's face.

"Sorry, but it's been difficult for me ever since then," the older Yang admitted, and they could actually see a tear in her eye. "You may wonder how I can even joke about something like that- but in the end, it's all I can do."

Weiss allowed another moment of silence before she began questioning the apparition again. "Back up, back up, old lady- you're telling me I have a daughter in the future? With who?"

"I'm pretty sure it's 'with whom,'" Blake corrected.

"I don't care!"

"Guys! She's talking again!" Yang silenced them, staring, enraptured, at her older self- this was so surreal...

"Now that I've explained the situation with Ruby," the elderly Yang was saying, "I have a brief message to the rest of you, as well. First, to Weiss..."

"Yes, yes, who would I have a kid with?" Weiss prompted impatiently.

"Just know that when you make your choice, it'll be the right one," the older Yang said cryptically. "I can't say much more than that- just... when you're down, listen to Klein." With that, she looked over at the far end of the room, as if asking for confirmation- "That was the name, right? Klein?"

Weiss fell silent, eyes widening and causing curiosity in the other girls as they wondered at the exact meaning of the message Weiss had just received.

"Now, Blake," Yang continued at long last. "As you've probably already guessed, dark times are coming up- and I'm not just talking about that fourth wall hijacking- that's what's going on now, right?" A moment during which she was presumably receiving confirmation, and... "Right. Thought so. Now, I know the position you'll be in then, and I just want to say- none of us hate you. No matter how much you might end up thinking that, no matter what even _I_ might end up saying... you're not a coward. You're one of the bravest people I know- keep that with you, alright?"

Blake's eyes began to shine with repressed tears- as they were wont to whenever her deepest lurking fear was brought up.

"And finally, to myself, back in the past," Yang finally turned back towards herself. "Now, I'm guessing you probably want to know how this happened." Here, she brandished her mechanical arm, prompting an eager, nervous nod from her younger counterpart. "However, I really like this arm, so I won't tell you. Yeah, it'll suck when the obvious happens, but trust me, it'll be _so_ worth it when you get this baby."

"Glad to see you haven't changed too much," Weiss commented drily.

"As for your actual message, though..." Yang seemed to think for a minute. "Get back up, I suppose. That's all I can really say- don't let yourself fall down and stay down- as soon as you hit the ground, get back up. You might think its obvious, but for a while, it wasn't, so I'll emphasize it one more time- you hit the ground, you push yourself back up. That's all."

"Which is all well and good," Weiss piped up again, "but seriously, you can't just tell me that I have a kid in the future and leave me hanging! Who was it with?!"

"There's only one more thing I have left to say," Yang continued, gazing around at them as she did. "There's only one more of these glimpses of the future you have to deal with- and it's one helluva nice photo op. You'll see what I mean- just head into the hallway, and bring your scrolls. You better pull this off, because this happens to be one of my favorite pictures in our albums."

Ruby and Yang were the first to move, looking at each other and simultaneously reaching for their scrolls before dashing out into the hallway. Weiss and Blake, however, lingered behind. Weiss continued looking up at older Yang with pleading eyes. "Come on, Yang, don't do this to me! Who did I have a kid with?!"

"You know she can't hear you, right?" Blake pointed out, amber eyes half lowered.

"Yeah, but I can bring it up with _our_ Yang, and when she becomes _her_ -" Weiss's arms were flailing around as she struggled to communicate her point- "-she can remember it and answer! So come _on,_ old lady- one more message! Who was it?"

"Oh, that's right!" Older Yang snapped her fingers. "There _was_ one more thing- Weiss, you wanted to know who you started a family with, didn't you?"

"Yes! So tell me already!" Weiss glared, crossing her arms.

"Alright, I'll tell," Yang nodded, beckoning to her. "Just... come closer, unless you want us listening in."

Weiss glanced behind her, where Blake shrugged nonchalantly. She stepped closer, listening intently. "A little closer... closer... good..."

And, abruptly, Yang broke into laughter, right in Weiss's face, before vanishing altogether.

Weiss froze, eye twitching, before bursting. "DOLTS! MORONS! DIPS! YOU'RE ALL INCOMPETENT! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH! BLAKE, YOU'RE A DOLT!"

"What did _I_ do?" Blake asked indignantly.

XXXX

Out in the hallway, the Rose-Xiao Long sisters glanced around as Weiss and Blake finally joined them, Blake already in the process of writing down their whole conversation, and Weiss heaving like a winded rhino. "Something up, guys?"

"Apparently, I'm quite the dolt for something _you_ did," Blake muttered, looking down the hallway for the apparition old Yang had predicted.

"I thought _I_ was the dolt..." Ruby kicked despondently at the ground.

"Ruby... I don't want to talk about it right now, you dunce," Weiss shook her head. She only seemed even more baffled when the new insult seemed to cause Ruby no end of joy.

"So, what do you think this photo op is of?" Yang wondered out loud, keeping an eye out down the hall.

"Don't know- could be anything," Blake shrugged.

"Could be- but isn't!" came a cheery voice, and once again, the team found themselves looking up at a grinning Yang, clearly older than the one beside them, holding an older Weiss and Ruby in a headlock, while an older Blake followed behind, smiling and shaking her head at the same time.

"Wow..." Ruby's eyes shone. "We really are friends forever..."

"Damn straight!" the younger Yang beamed as she prepared to take the picture.

And while Blake and Weiss wouldn't admit it, the sight of all four of their elder selves beaming for the camera, even the two in a headlock, caused them no end of joy either as the shutter clicked on Yang's phone.

 _XXXX_

Towards the end, I was a little uncertain about how exactly to wrap this all up- hopefully, the ending didn't seem _too_ abrupt. I still feel somewhat rusty on the writing frontier- hopefully that should ease up as more chapters to more of my stories are written- I've got a _lot_ to get around to. I may follow up with some more chapters of this- idea permitting. While this chapter ended up a long time in the works, this is still my simplest story, making writing for it rather appealing for shaking the dust off. Not to say that I intend on delivering anything less than the best I can- I always strive for my stories to be the best they can be. To that end... please R&R, constructive criticism, suggestions, questions, or just about anything else welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	4. The Ice Queen

Gamer4 in. Hoooh, boy, why do I do it to myself? Get myself caught up in a bunch of different stories then get caught up in real life for weeks at a time? Heck, even this chapter was originally going to be the start of yet _another_ story, before I realized that it didn't really need to be- with the format I've got going, it would fit nice and snug as a little mini-arc in this story, and if people don't like it, then it can rest as just another weird one-shot. So, what brings us here today? An homage to one of my favorite movies of all time. For those that have seen it, you will know by the time we get into the meat of this chapter. For those that haven't, I'll name-drop it in the end-notes, and highly encourage you to go out and see it by any means necessary- it is a classic, and absolutely worth the effort. Without further adieu, let us dive in!

Disclaimer: S. Morgenstern. Maybe. Also, RWBY Chibi for the opening segment.

Episode IV

The Ice Queen

*Cough, Cough!* *HACK!* *Cough...*

Weiss was, to use a single word, miserable.

To use two words, _very_ miserable.

Was this because she'd woken up on a weekend with an intense stomachache, a sore throat, stuffed nose, itchy eyes, and overall, feeling like crap?

Was it, in addition, due to the fact that everyone else seemed to have awoken earlier and headed out without her, leaving her to struggle against this epidemic alone?

...Yeah, that was pretty much it.

*Grooooaaaaan...*

In such pain was she that she didn't even notice the door swinging open until the person on the other side, one Ruby Rose, had already dashed in, bringing a vortex of whirling air in her wake, before stopping on a dime right next to her bed. "Hey, Weiss! We're about to go do something fun, wanna come-"

Ruby cut herself off with a gasp when she saw the sad state her partner was in. "Weiss! Are you okay?"

"Sick..." Weiss moaned, communicating her plight as best she could, given the circumstances. Part of her was glad to see Ruby, but as she was, she didn't feel up to talking much. "Need... medicine..."

Immediately, Ruby's eyes lit up, as they always seemed to when an opportunity to aid her partner arose. "Got it! I know _exactly_ what you need! I'll be right back!"

In a puff of rose petals, she was gone, but Weiss didn't feel the despair she had before- when Ruby said she'd be right back, she-

"I'm right back!"

...meant it.

Weiss was glad to see her again so soon... until she saw the items she'd brought with her, none of which were the requested medicine. Nonetheless, Ruby continued beaming as she brandished the items. "I've got everything you need, right here! A warm glass of whole milk!"

Weiss groaned as Ruby carefully lay said beverage on the bedside table- not that she had anything against milk in principle, but she'd specifically asked for-

"My favorite video game, Kung Fu Ninja Slayer Ultimate Death Battle 2!"

... No, that wasn't quite what she'd had in mind either... which she communicated with another groan.

... Which was swiftly misinterpreted by Ruby, who threw a brief glance at the game with a much less bright expression, admitting softly, "Yeah, you're right, the first was _way_ better..."

Weiss was, at this point, bashing her head against her pillow, longing for the alternate world in which it was made of brick. However, the next item was enough for even her to open her eyes.

"And... a motivational cat poster! Mee-ow!"

Weiss gazed open-mouthed at the poster. All thoughts of sickness momentarily forgotten, she had to ask- "Is that _Blake_?"

"Maybe," Ruby blushed furiously as she rolled up the poster and quickly tossed it over her shoulder.

Weiss shook her head. "Ruby... I don't _need_ this, I need _medicine._ "

"Ah, nah!" Ruby laughingly brushed the idea aside. "This is the stuff my Dad used to make me feel better all the time, and it never failed!" For a moment, she seemed to get sidetracked. "Well, okay, there _was_ that one other thing, but I'm not even certain Yang even brought it..."

And no sooner was the Devil spoken of than she appeared- "Hey, Rubes, what's going on? The Ice Queen finally awake?"

Weiss's ears perked up- mischievous as she could be sometimes, Yang was still more mature than Ruby ( _Well, marginally,_ she mentally admitted.) Perhaps _she_ could help. "Yang, please! I'm sick, I need-"

"Oh!" Yang's eyes widened in understanding. "One glass of whole milk, coming up!"

Weiss collapsed again, groaning, failing to notice as Ruby disappeared and reappeared in puffs of rose petals to cut her sister off at the door. "Aaaaalready got the milk, sis!" she chirped.

"Oh, really?" Yang asked, sounding impressed. "And the video game?"

"Kung Fu Ninja Slayer Ultimate Death Battle 2!"

"A good choice, but the first one was better," Yang mused.

"Yeah, that's what Weiss said."

"I did _not-_ "

"And the cat poster?"

"Already in place!" Ruby crowed proudly, hands on her hips.

"Well, in that case, Ice Queen," Yang turned momentarily back to Weiss, "not much more _I_ can do."

As Weiss returned to banging her head against her pillow, Ruby looked up at Yang. "What about... y'know... _that_ thing?"

"That thing?" Yang asked, question marks in her eyes.

"Yeah, that thing! You always used it when I was sick... did you even bring it to Beacon?"

Finally, Yang's eyes lit up. "Oh, _that_ thing! Of course I did- I wouldn't go anywhere with my little sis without it!"

"What are you two babbling about?" Weiss sighed, gazing at them with despair in her soul.

"Ease up, Ice Queen," Yang chuckled, raising her hands. "Just let me check through my stuff real quick..."

Weiss had no idea what was going on, but Ruby was quivering in excitement as they watched Yang go through her bags for a few moments before triumphantly emerging with...

"A book?" Weiss asked, nonplussed.

"A book," Yang nodded, smiling.

"I didn't know you could read," Weiss couldn't help snarking.

"Hey, I used to read to Rubes all the time!" Yang objected. "And this book is special- runs through our entire family! Our grandparents read it to our parents when they were sick, they'd read it to me, and I'd read it to Rubes! Now, the time has come for me to read it to you!"

"You want... to read me... a book," Weiss deadpanned, a migraine coming on in addition to her already-present symptoms.

"It'll make you feel better- a 100% guarantee!" Yang flashed her a grin and a thumbs-up.

"I'll pass," Weiss shook her head weakly, turning over in bed to show the sisters her back.

"Please, Weiss?" Ruby asked pleadingly of her partner's shoulderblades. "It's been _forever_ since I've heard this story, and I _know_ you'll love it too!"

Weiss sighed before turning over. Big mistake. "Ruby, I-" she began, only to be hit by Ruby's puppy dog eyes at full blast.

"Pleeeeeeaaaaaaase?"

Weiss's willpower crumbled into dust and blew away as though it never were. "Alright, Xiao Long, I'll hear out the first chapter. I'll try and stay awake."

"Yaaaaaaaay!" Ruby cheered, appearing on her own bunk in yet another burst of petals.

"Appreciate the confidence, Schnee," Yang smirked as she drew up a nearby chair, plopping the rather hefty book in her lap. "Normally, I'd make a bet of some sort here, but you _are_ sick, so... whatever. Let's get started- *a-hem.* _Legend of the Ice Queen,_ by-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Weiss interrupted. " _Ice Queen? Really?_ Are you two just pranking me?"

"Us?" Yang asked, a patented 'innocence halo' appearing over her head. "Prank you? Perish the thought!"

"She changes the title every time she reads it," Ruby chirped from up top. "A few other details, too- keeps it interesting every time."

Weiss narrowed her eyes in suspicion, but lay back in her pillow anyways. "Alright, I'll trust you for now..."

"Thank you," Yang nodded. "Now, as I was saying, _Legend of the Ice Queen,_ by Yoga Axon Ling."

"Yoga Axon Ling?!" Weiss nearly shrieked, having to force herself not to do so, lest she draw even closer to losing her voice.

"Yeah, she instructs people in fitness stuff, dontcha know?" Yang smirked. "You know, she's that woman who teaches people how to tie themselves into pretzels?"

"Yoga is the _art,_ not a _person!_ "

"Then who wrote this book?" Yang shrugged dismissively.

Weiss was already turning red with rage, and they hadn't even started the story proper. Finally, she forced herself to calm down- clearly, the only way she was going to get through this with her sanity intact was to roll with the punches- may as well just let Yang lead her down whatever path she had in mind. "You know what? Fine. Whatever. Just... just read."

" _Thank_ you," Yang nodded. "Alright, take three... _Legend of the Ice Queen,_ by Yoga Axon Ling...

XXXX

"A long time ago, in the days before Mistral, but after Vacuo..."

"You _oaf!_ Vacuo was founded _before_ Mistral!"

"...And what happened to just letting me read?"

"Ugghhhh..."

"That's what I thought. In the days before Mistral, but after Vacuo, there stood a high castle in the kingdom of Atlas- home of the reigning monarchs, the Schnees. The King, Jacques, the Queen, Lily, and their children, Winter and Weiss. Though Weiss was the younger of the two, Winter had long ago chosen a career in the military, abdicating her claim to the throne to her younger sister.

On the surface, the young princess had everything she could ever want- an army of servants perpetually on call to tend to her every need- no sooner did she sneeze than a butler appeared with a handkerchief, and no sooner did she develop a craving for blueberries than a maid appeared with a basket filled with the finest in the land.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Aren't you gonna comment, Weissy?"

"Frankly, I'm just impressed you didn't take the opportunity to say, 'whenever she 'schneezed.'"

"Nah, this story's to sacred to ruin with puns."

"Glad to hear-"

"Maybe."

"*Sigh.*"

"Anyways, while it seemed the young princess had everything she could ever want, there was one thing she truly desired, that seemed fated to forever elude her- one that she could truly call a friend. Most of those she interacted with on a daily basis were her servants, who naturally tended towards being far older than her. Whenever she made contact with someone behaving friendly on the outside, it was, more often than not, due entirely to them coveting her family name, or fortune. As time went by, her heart grew cold to the outside world, prompting her to withdraw into her tower.

Her sorrow did not pass by her parents, who sought to remedy the situation the only way they knew how- hiring younger servants to see to her needs. In thought, Weiss appreciated their efforts, but in method, the idea only saw her being brought into contact with still more people who sought to take advantage of her, chilling her heart further still. As a result, she began taking her frustrations out on these servants, intentionally treating them coldly and making increasingly unreasonable demands of them until they quit out of pure spite."

XXXX

Yang paused, glancing over at Weiss on her bed, and wasn't surprised to see the shorter huntress pointedly looking away, shuddering slightly as though on the verge of tears. Ruby, from her higher bed, exchanged a look with her sister that said she understood before piping up. "It's okay, Weiss, it's gonna get better, right, sis?"

"Of course," Yang smiled and nodded. "Because, you see, one day..."

XXXX

"One day, a new servant appeared- a girl even younger than Weiss herself, dressed in black and a cloak of deepest red, though what Weiss found most eye-catching was, in fact, her eyes- pools of brightest silver.

At first, Weiss treated this newest servant, a peasant girl by the name of Ruby Rose, the same as she'd treated all those who came before, acting cold and making increasingly unreasonable demands. Thus, it came as a surprise when, instead of leaving her as all had before, Ruby took it all with a smile and a single phrase- 'Whatever you say, Princess.'

One day, Weiss summoned Ruby to her personal chambers. 'Good morning, dunce. Fetch me some water.'

'Whatever you say, Princess,' Ruby nodded, and a moment later, a pitcher of water and a glass was at her side.

The following day, Weiss summoned her to the fields. 'I feel like going for a ride today- get me my horse, Stardust, you dolt.'

In Weiss's mind, this would be the breaking point, as she'd intentionally led Ruby as far from the stables as possible before making this request. Nonetheless, mere moments later, Ruby approached with her favorite horse in tow, a small smile on her face. 'Whatever you say, Princess.'

That night, as Weiss sat ruminating in her chambers, she came to a startling conclusion, and resolved to test it the following day.

The next morning, when Ruby appeared in her chambers to fetch her breakfast, Weiss demanded practically everything but the kitchen sink. Sure enough, 'Whatever you say, Princess.' Less than half an hour later, Ruby appeared, with a tray laden with everything she'd requested.

'You dunce!' she shouted nonetheless, 'Where's my orange juice?!' She'd demanded no such thing, but was being as unbearable as possible- she had to know, she had to be sure.

And sure enough, less than a minute had passed before a glass of cold orange juice was being pressed into her hand by a smiling Ruby. 'Whatever you say, Princess.'

Though she was on the point of blushing, Weiss was resolved to see her experiment through- she took a drink of the juice before gagging despite her love of the taste and spitting it back out. 'Without pulp, you dolt! I can't drink juice with pulp!'

She fully expected this to be the moment that Ruby, finally fed up with her behavior, turned and left the mansion. Instead, even with the juice dripping from her hair, Ruby smiled as she bent over and took the glass, finishing it off herself. Moments later, a fresh glass was in Weiss's hands, completely pulpless.

'...Whatever you say, Princess.'

That was the night Weiss came to fully realize what those words meant- to realize that when Ruby said, 'Whatever you say, Princess,' what she was really saying was, 'I love you.'

Even more shocking was when, later that same night, she realized that when she responded by calling her a dunce or dolt, she was really saying, 'I love you, too.'"

XXXX

"Okay, okay, hold up!" Weiss called, raising her arms in an X. "Are you just making this all up to ship me with your sister?!"

"Now what would ever make you think that?" Yang smirked. "I would _never-_ "

"Yeah, where would I _ever_ get that idea," Weiss huffed, crossing her arms and turning away to hide her blush.

Yang's smirk didn't fade. "Alright, feel free to tune the rest of the story out..."

XXXX

"Needless to say, unfortunately, the two could hardly be together. After all, despite any feelings between the two, Weiss was a princess, while Ruby was a mere commoner. Should Weiss's parents ever find out about the feelings she'd developed, they'd be split apart immediately. So, Ruby decided to leave- to set out and seek a fortune across the sea, returning as a noble that Weiss's parents would accept. However, while Weiss saw the necessity in her actions, watching the woman who'd shown her the most love in her life leave was among the hardest things she'd ever had to do.

'Do you really have to go?' she confronted Ruby on the morning her boat was set to sail.

'There's no other choice,' Ruby shrugged with the barest hints of a smile. 'Don't worry, Weiss. I'll be back, and then, we'll have all the time in the world.'

'But what if something happens?' Weiss fretted.

'Don't worry, nothing will ever keep me from you,' Ruby swore, smile firmly in place. 'After all, this is true love- you think it can be broken so easily?'

Weiss shook her head, but there were still tears on her face as she issued her final order as Ruby's mistress- 'Come back safe, you dolt.'

'Whatever you say, Princess.'"

XXXX

"Ruby never did return to Atlas, however," Yang read out, drawing a horrified glance from Weiss. "Her ship was attacked at sea by the Red Pirate, Nikos, infamous throughout the world for their brutality and refusal to take prisoners. Weiss was broken when she received the news- she spent many days gazing into a fire, swearing that she would never love again."

"You... you oaf!" Weiss growled, forcing back her horror with anger. "You would just _kill_ your own _sister_ like that?!"

"Yeah, it sucks, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, I'm afraid," Yang shrugged.

"And what do _you_ think about this, Ruby?!" Weiss demanded, gazing up at the upper bunk, where Ruby was determinedly hiding her face.

She found it only slightly odd that Ruby refused to make eye contact, instead choosing to mumble into her pillow, "It's like Blake said way back when- life isn't always a fairy tale."

Weiss's jaw dropped as she shifted her gaze between the two sisters. "What am I _listening_ to?!"

"The rest of the story, ideally," Yang shrugged. "Don't you want to know what happens to you?"

Weiss bit her lip, but ultimately leaned back in her bed, motioning for Yang to continue.

"Thank you," Yang nodded. "Now, let's see..."

XXXX

"Three years passed, and in that time, Weiss grew into one of the most desirable princesses in the land- desirable enough to catch the eye of the royal family of the neighboring kingdom of Vale, ruled by Queen Cinder Fall and her son, the high prince Mercury Black. It was in search of increased trade relations between the kingdoms of Vale and Atlas that Weiss's father had her betrothed to prince Mercury, and sent to Vale for that purpose. However, while Weiss _was_ loyal to her father, and her kingdom, she couldn't bring herself to truly love Mercury.

Fortunately, she still had her sole remaining companion- her loyal steed, Stardust- and still found joy in riding him along the coastline of Vale.

One day, she was on her daily ride when she came across three strange individuals- two tall women, one in black and white with a bow atop her head, the other impeccably beautiful with flowing blond hair and in a leather jacket."

"Oh, I see where _this_ is going..."

"Do you, Weissy? _Do you_? At any rate, these two women were standing at either side of a man in a white coat with red hair beneath a fancy bowler hat, a cigar clenched between his teeth, and a face suggesting he spent five hours each day applying his foundation. He was the first to speak.

'Hello, mysterious traveler,' he greeted with a great deal of flourish. 'We are humble travelers ourselves, seeking the nearest center of commerce. Is there a town nearby?'

Finding these people odd, but willing to be of some assistance, Weiss answered honestly- 'No, there's no one around for miles.'

'Good,' the man in the hat smiled, motioning to the women at his side. 'In that case, there's no one to hear you scream.' And before Weiss could react, the impossibly powerful arms of the blond woman had wrapped around her and wrested her to the ground, into unconsciousness."

"Just for the record, I would never be that gullible- or easily captured."

"Of course not, Weissy, of course not."

XXXX

"Anyways, the three kidnappers dragged Weiss away from her horse and to a small boat, loading her aboard and immediately preparing to set sail. 'Ah, I can smell it now, girls!' the man in the hat crowed, practically dancing as he began making preparations to set sail- though his efforts were largely dwarfed by the girl with the bow. 'Our biggest payday yet is coming right up!'

'Remind me why we're kidnapping the princess of Atlas again, Torchwick?' the blond asked, glancing at their captive, lying motionless between a couple of barrels.

'Because, _Yang,_ ' Torchwick began, speaking as though he were talking to a child, 'Tensions are high enough between Vale, Atlas, and Menagerie as is. All we have to do is throw in a spark to have a nice little war raging on for a good few years.'

'And we want to start a war because...?' the girl with the bow interjected.

'Because, _Blake,_ our client is paying us a large sum of money to spark it,' Torchwick once again explained as though talking to a child. 'And I don't recall any part of your contracts saying you got money for _thinking_ \- that's _my_ job, and don't you forget it. _Your_ job is to take us over to Menagerie, where we'll leave her body, giving Atlas and Vale the excuse they need to team up and eliminate that hive from the map!"

'Do we really need to kill an innocent person, though?' Blake asked, her tongue between her teeth as she loosened the rope keeping them tied to the dock.

'Again, just leave the thinking to me, Belladonna,' Torchwick brushed her concerns aside. 'Believe me, it's better for everyone that way.'

'Really?' Yang asked, a smirk suddenly spreading across her face. 'Not willing to pass the torch at all, huh?'

Torchwick froze before throwing the dirtiest look he could summon at his blond henchwoman. 'Xiao Long, we are days away from the biggest paycheck in our careers- it would be a shame if I had to shoot you in the head and throw your body into the sea halfway through.'

Blake smirked and strode over to Yang as the boat finally began its voyage. 'Threatening to throw you into the sea already, huh?'

'Yeah- though I guess I can _see_ what he means,' Yang beamed back, with a grin to show that yes, she knew _exactly_ what she was doing.

'Stop,' Torchwick growled.

'Well, we'd have to get out of this sound first,' Blake grinned, gesturing to the narrow passage from the Valeian sound to the greater ocean.

' _Sounds_ good to me!' Yang crowed.

' _Stop_...'

'Are you sure, Yang? The rocks get pretty close together up there.'

'Concerned we're in for a _rocky_ situation, huh?'

' _Stop... stop it...'_

'Not really, just saying the strait might be a bit more dangerous than you think.'

'Ah, I see, you're not worried, just want to make sure I know we're heading into some dire straits, huh?'

'Okay, next person to set up or make a pun isn't making it to the end of this voyage alive!' Torchwick burst out, struggling against a rapidly-forming headache.

'Okay,' Blake shrugged.

'Fine by me,' Yang nodded.

'Thank you,' Torchwick sighed. 'Now just... just get us out to sea.'

'Of course,' Yang nodded, before exchanging a look with Blake. As one, they both said, ' _Water_ we waiting for?'

Torchwick swore he was going to pop a blood vessel."

XXXX

"It wasn't long after they set out that Weiss finally awoke, only to swiftly realize the dangerous position she was in. Torchwick, for his part, kept the group's true intentions to himself, pretending they'd kidnapped her purely for a ransom. Weiss was less then thrilled, of course, but nonetheless decided to bide her time until an escape route made itself known to her. As days slipped by, she found herself unwittingly befriending the other two women on the boat, though they seemed somewhat standoffish as well, as though they knew something she didn't. Nonetheless, they didn't hesitate to share food with her at mealtimes, or point out interesting areas of the ocean as they passed through. If Torchwick cared, he never commented on it, intent only on steering the boat all the way to Menagerie.'

On the night of the third day at sea, Torchwick seemed to be getting excited. 'Almost there, almost there, almost there!' he chirped, practically dancing around the boat. 'Just a quick cut through the grimm eels, up a few cliffs, and we're homefree!'

'Yeah,' Blake agreed halfheartedly, glancing repeatedly out at the ocean. 'Homefree...'

Weiss was currently curled up at the far end of the boat, arms wrapped around her legs as she gazed out at the others. Yang was adjusting the sails, Torchwick was, of course, doing his dance, while Blake seemed to be keeping watch- at least, that's what she thought until Torchwick addressed the girl in black.

'Why do you keep looking out at the water?' he asked.

'Just... keeping an eye out,' Blake shrugged.

'For what?' Torchwick asked. 'Anyone who could be chasing us here can't know what we've done, and anyone who might know what we've done couldn't have gotten here so fast.'

Weiss couldn't help chuckling slightly. 'You really think you've got this whole plan locked down, don't you?' she asked.

'Pretty much, yeah,' Torchwick nodded. 'No one will be finding you in Menagerie- not without starting a war. Don't worry about it, all we want is Daddy's money, then you'll be safe at home, eating biscuits and drinking tea like good old times.'

'And when my sister- who happens to work in special ops- finds out what you've done?' Weiss asked, smirking and crossing her arms.

Torchwick shrugged. 'Don't worry about it, Princess,' he taunted. 'It's not your problem.'

Weiss bristled at the nickname, but Torchwick didn't notice- he had just noticed Blake glancing over her shoulder at the ocean again. 'Cut that out, would you?' he demanded agitatedly. 'I'm telling you, we're in the home stretch- nobody's following us.'

'Are you sure about that?' Blake asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

'Absolutely,' Torchwick nodded. 'Why do you ask?'

Blake's next sentence caused Weiss's head to perk up when it graced her ears- 'Oh, nothing, it's just, I looked over there a couple minutes ago, and there's somebody there.'

'WHAT?!' Torchwick cried, leaping over to Blake's side of the boat as quickly as he could, Yang hot on his tail. Sure enough, only a few miles off, sailing over the mirror-calm waters was another boat, making its way directly towards them.

Torchwick faltered. 'Well... well, that's obviously not anybody who's after _us..._ just some average fisherman... sailing out in the middle of the ocean... at night... in waters infested by grimm...'

He was spared from digging himself into a deeper hole when a loud splash signaled Weiss diving into the sea, making a mad swim for the other boat- regardless of who these newcomers were, they could hardly be worse than her captors.

Torchwick sighed. 'Xiao Long...'

'Sorry, I forgot about her when Blake mentioned the other boat,' Yang rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

'Get her back!' Torchwick demanded, turning on Blake, whose pupils constricted in fear.

'Are you kidding me?! I don't know how to swim!'

Furiously, Torchwick turned towards Yang, who shrugged, looking more sheepish than before. 'I can float...?'

On the point of screaming, Torchwick began ordering them around, directing them to turn the boat and pick up their hostage.

Weiss, meanwhile, was already feeling the strain- she'd done a few laps around pools before, but this was something else altogether. Just to drive the point home, a strange groaning made itself heard, rising up from the black depths surrounding her, sending her heart pounding harder than it had before.

Torchwick, noticing, smirked. 'You know what that sound is, Princess?' he asked, seizing the opportunity. 'We're in the middle of the largest collection of underwater grimm this side of Vale- not the best place to be going for a nighttime swim.'

Weiss felt a chill go through her, all the way to her bones, that had nothing to do with the water surrounding her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a pitch black dorsal fin piercing the top of the water, a damp, white bone glistening in the moonlight.

Torchwick spoke up again. 'That groaning noise you hear? They'll be coming for you soon, Princess. Tell you what- come back to the boat now, and I swear that no harm will come to you. I'd like to meet the grimm who'd give you that kind of offer.'

For a moment, Weiss considered it, but either way, it was too late- she turned to see a boney mask making its way above the water, rows of teeth gleaming as they made their way right to her, and then-"

 _XXXX_

Okay, yeah, that's probably mean, I admit it. Anyways, if you didn't guess already, the movie (and book, but the movie is far and away more popular and well-known) this little mini-arc is based on is _The Princess Bride_ , a personal favorite, and one that you've likely at least heard of before. Again, if you haven't seen it... see it. You won't be sorry.

In other news, I'd apologize for the long hiatus, but that is rapidly becoming an entirely redundant act, though you'll be glad to know that my sole New Year's resolution is to start paying more attention to my stories, and due to... circumstances, that's a resolution I'm fairly likely to uphold. So, if you'd like to see the rest of this mini-arc, review and let me know. If you'd like a return to the other types of episodes, review and let me know. Feeling saucy? Please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


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